Summer of Growth and Acceptance

[Painter]

Oh, yes. I have been amazed my how controlling and contemptous he is being about this entire thing. There is only one perspective that is legitimate right now and that is H's. If I try at all to bring up my perspective then I am blaming hiim. There seem to be three major elements that keep popping up from his viewpoint:

1) He is adamant he was finished with both me and M back last year. However, he is still very affected by things that I do and say and makes sutle references that he is thinking about paths to a future. It is clear he is not as finished as he wants me to think. However, I entirely agree that I am auditioning for the role of his wife. He is picking aoart my every word and action. He is looking for guarantees that our M will flourish again before recommitting. Until then, I think he feels entitled to continue on with A. So as Cadet said, he is spinning around in the victim triangle and constantly reminding me he us the victim.

2) He has major self esteem and self worth issues. I know that these were there already, but my lack of attention, physical affection, etc. have made it worse. In addition to wanting needs met, this to me is a major factor for why he has had A. He is trying to run from his self esteem issues in a very destructive way. I think this also has to do with the dramatic weight loss. When this A goes south or ends, I think it will be the start of his bottoming out as he will find his esteem issues only heightened further. He needs to get counseling or do some self help in this area to be healthy. I am almost positive there is an underlying issue that need counseling work.

3) His hurt, anger, and resentment are standing in the way if accepting my apologies and changes. He is not in a place to forgive yet. I feel he is still in a place of wanting to punish me, even though I am not sure this is a conscience effort.

I think like an addict, he needs to decide to get help on his own. I have tried multiple times to suggest him to see IC and he snapped the last time, so I am not bringing it up again. I did see something recently that indicated he might be finally looking at going. As a side note, the same thing also indicated substance abuse.

I am trying to do my best to change my part of the issues and am proud of what I have accomplished thus far. I just need to work on detachment.

Our situations are so similar... Although H is not in a PA at this time, I see the likenesses between these two guys. I have a jumble of random thoughts after catching up on you thread:

First, a couple of things that I have noticed about my own situation:

- It has not hurt at all to stand up for myself and give H clear boundaries for what I will and will not accept.

- It hasn't hurt that he saw me cry and be sad, because it reminded him I'm human and elicited some sympathy.

- Emotional fights have not set us back lastingly, as long as they are not very frequent (anymore) and don't make up the majority of interactions.

When it comes to how he's sending mixed signals, isn't the saying around here, 'believe none of what they say and half of what they do'?

I actually agree with him about the message you sent him about your parents - if you ask open questions, you can't go wrong. Don't assume anything.

And I want to slap him for being upset about you talking to others and for *daring* to take the word trust in his mouth! If you can pull it off calmly, you could tell him it's a tall order to expect you to have nobody to talk to about the shock and grief you are experiencing, while he has an OW to support him. And yes, his sister - not ideal, but she asked. What were you supposed to do? Lie?

I think contempt and anger is defensive. If not, he'd have to face what he has done and feel guilt and remorse.

Are you going out and having fun? Staying busy? Being unavailable?

Last weekend, H was very disrespectful to me and blew off a nice dinner I had prepared, in order to hang out with some guys and drink beer. I had dinner, then changed and left. H knew I left and I told him I was going out to have fun. When I came home, he was *furious*. Told me I had made a *major mistake*. I told him it was strange that he was so upset, since he didn't really care much about me. He objected and said he *did* care. I told him I had visited a girlfriend and showed him her text where she invited me over.

Next couple of days he's treated me better than in a long time...