In which I'm feeling lost, but will perservere

[Elly4]

So...I read a little about communication today and reread the boundaries part of Cadet's post. So here's what I did tonight, after our S went to sleep.

First I asked if it was an okay time for us to talk. He said yes, and walked over to the opposite couch to sit. I told him that our S had mentioned that he had his friend over for supper last night and that I was confused at first thinking it was something else. I then told him that "When you don't tell me that you are having a friend over to our house, I feel uncomfortable and that you are hiding something from me. I want to believe you when you say that you are just friends, but hiding things make me doubt that."

He said that he could understand that and apologized. He also said that he would let me know in the future.

Did I totally screw it up? It was my first time setting a boundary since this all started.

E

[MrBond]

No you didn't screw up, but what kind of friend was it? Do you mind him having that friend over?

[Elly4]

Well now, that's the hard question. Pam is a employee of his and has been a friend for many years, but he never socialized with her outside of work that I knew of. When we first met, all his friends were female. He just always related better with them. Since we've been together he hasn't socialized with anyone until January of this year. He maintains that they are just friends and she's his employee.

So, if she's just his friend, he should be able to invite her over.

[Matt777]

Well now, that's the hard question. Pam is a employee of his and has been a friend for many years, but he never socialized with her outside of work that I knew of. When we first met, all his friends were female. He just always related better with them. Since we've been together he hasn't socialized with anyone until January of this year. He maintains that they are just friends and she's his employee.

So, if she's just his friend, he should be able to invite her over.

It sounds like you did well. You should know who is in your house spending time with your daughter. It sounds like he understands that and will follow your requests in the future. I'm glad you were able to stay calm and not accusatory.

I think you did well E.

Now the hard part - keeping your mind from driving you crazy with all the possibilities and the over analysis. Try to relax and stay detached. It's hard. Real damn hard. But I believe in you.

[asitis]

I've tried to catch up on your sitch, but it is awful long, so I likely missed some things & anything I say should be read w/ that in mind.

You did fine w/ the exchange over the friend. One question: do you and your H have any agreement or understanding regarding other people at this point? If you haven't you might want to have that discussion. Ultimately, if the situation continues toward D, ground rules will need to be established that you both abide by for the sake of your S. Don't know if you are there yet, but addressing Pam is one thing, but having a clear understanding is another.

One of the hardest things I wrestle w/ is that my W prefers to spend time w/ other people.

The other thing that stands out in your threads is a lack of other people to turn to IRL. You seem to entirely have come to depend on your H for your emotional needs, and he is not there right now. Even if he comes back, this is not healthy, and he is less likely to find coming back to a situation where you are so focused on getting your emotional needs met via the R. If I'm right here, it is something to address regardless.

You have a lot going on, and it really [censored] that your H has checked out when there is so much going on. That may be part of his issues, or at least the move to further distance.

Good luck to you.

[roist]

You handled situation well IMO.

[V2pt0]

E, looks like you did an amazing job to me. I had to have a similar discussion with my H, but was a more than just bringing a "friend" into our house and we have no children. I was very calm and collected, but stern at same time. The major difference is in how your H responded. He was not defensive at all and apologized straight away. This IMO shows that there is very likely nothing more going on and she is just a friend.

My H was contemptuous, defensive, and argumentative and got into semantics of sleeping with someone vs. female friend. This told me all I needed to know to confirm my worst fears. He feels he can do the later. Yes, ok, I did not argue with that.

Anyhow, great work!!

[Zephyr]

Great job Eirinn, you are doing great. You didn't lay down the law, you made it clear that there was behavior you were not willing to live with. That is perfect! You will build on this moving forward...and I am taking notes

I am glad you picked up some more reading materials...like you had nothing better to do Boundaries, communication, enmeshment are all core topics you and I have struggled with and I am ecstatic that you are seeing it too!

In will post more this weekend, have to get ready for trip. Wish me luck, am taking extra stfu pills with

[Elly4]

Thanks, Matt! I can use all the prayers I can get, and you are absolutely right. Now I have to make sure to stay detached and not obsess over it.

[Elly4]

Thanks for the support, Roiste! and thanks for stopping by on my thread too. Your thread is one that I've been meaning to read and haven't gotten the chance to yet. I should be able to soon though as I bought myself a Microsoft Surface and can type more than I could on my cell phone.

Thanks again!
E