Time to bury the mustard seed

[PatientMan]

Mustardseed,

Go back through and read some of your old threads. Where have you improved? Where are you still stuck?

Analyze. Set goals. Relentlessly pursue them.

-PM

I am having so much trouble with this right now PM.

I feel like I have back slid so much. Last summer I felt improved. Then I got sucked back in and let my guard down, only to be betrayed in a way I never experienced before--and I lost my way--severely and at a huge cost in so many aspects of my life.

I don't know where I am now. I feel like I am worse off then ever, praying this is the rock bottom because I can't tell yet if I hit it. I am making so many mistakes, and he is playing this like a chess game. I have become paranoid.

First things first. It doesn't matter if you have backslid and it doesn't matter where you are, it only matters that you are AWARE of it and that awareness allows you to analyze your situation to set your course and follow it.

So do not beat yourself up if you have slid back. Do not beat yourself up if you have made mistakes. It is all data that just goes into your brain/computer for you to process. Even if you messed up, you have more data to use going forward. Which is good.

My mind kind of works that way and I hope you find it useful.

Today, with work, I finally gave into the sadness of that loss. My marriage is still in free fall. Living in the same home is such a nightmare right now. It feels unsafe--not physically, but emotionally and I am frightened about what he might have up his sleeve. I keep hoping to catch a glimpse of the old him, so that I will feel safe again. But the more I try, the more he shows this evil side. Fear is in control right now.

You need to detach from this man, for your own safety and sanity. Read up on it as much as you can. There are plenty of practical steps you can take - i.e. things you can do and think about during your day to work on this.

Tangentially, I always hated the "you need to detach" comments followed by no actual methodology to get there. I believe there are some compilation posts now which are very helpful on the subject that should be useful to you. I know for me, if I can think about something while I'm going through it, it helps me. Like cues for a golf swing (where are my hips and shoulders aligned...what are my elbows doing, etc.). If I can think about those cues while I am actually in a situation where I need to work on detaching, then I am able to focus on that and not the emotional side of what might be transpiring.

Again, my mind kind of works that way and I hope you find it useful.

I am trying to think of goals. Right now I feel like I am in survival mode.

My main goal is one that deals with the legal end of this, that I would rather not discuss here.

I guess my other goals right now, is to find myself again.

I plan on doing some GAL stuff this summer. I am going to take surf lessons. I am going away for the night tomorrow.

My other goal will of course be to find a new job.

I think for right now those are the two things I have to focus on.

The GAL stuff is easy to be specific with.

Okay, good. Be specific and make an actual list with items and dates and whatever else you want. You don't have to post it here, just hold yourself accountable to it.

I have a tough road ahead of me. I am pretty sure I am still falling right now--this is going to be a really ugly divorce--it already is really ugly. He has no intention of creating a civil relationship between us.

Cross that bridge when you come to it. Right now you are working on you, and that is enough.

-PM