Do you guys live together or are you seperated? I think it would be really hard with them there. I am thankful he moved out.
We are S, but share the house and an apartment. The kids stay in the house & the W & I rotate between the house and apartment. It was to 1) maintain as much stability for our kids as possible; & 2) maintain occupancy in the house if D & custody issues arise.
So far it is working out fairly well, and we don't have plans to change it any time soon. We've made the apartment a kind of haven & worked really hard to keep it clean & tidy so that it is some place to relax and get good time alone.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Oh, no....he's definitely not in acceptance. I would venture to say anger, replay and depression for now. Withdrawal will come a bit later.
Where do you think he is in the scheme of things?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
My H told me the other night that he knows I have alot of work to do on my self??? I just laughed to myself. Then he said he envisioned us (Me, H, and S) all in a group hug when he comes home tomorrow. Yeah, that's not going to happen. My S said he may not even be here when he gets home. It's going to be awkward!
I would say he is probably in depression and withdrawal maybe a little replay. I say this because some days he is nice and some does we just don't hear from him.
He is still angry but not as bad as it was a couple of months ago. He is always on the defense though it you don't say the right work or something the right way. His anger unfortunately seems more focused on my S right now then me. But then S has been challenging him.
I say replay because he still wants to go hang with his new buddies etc. Although he has come back to do things he used to do like he finally went fishing.
My H told me the other night that he knows I have alot of work to do on my self??? I just laughed to myself. Then he said he envisioned us (Me, H, and S) all in a group hug when he comes home tomorrow. Yeah, that's not going to happen. My S said he may not even be here when he gets home. It's going to be awkward!
MLC people are in their own little world.
Yep. My wife things I'm the only issue and the only one with work to do, even though she is in IC, and not too long ago said that some of her issues will mean she may be in counseling for the rest of her life. I was at a loss for words when she said she knew I thought she had things to work on, but her only problems were me and the pain of our failing M (which is only failing because she refuses to work on it - OK a bit of an oversimplification, but not too much). It took all my presence of mind to throw out a validation statement and then disconnect to go drink a giant STFU smoothie.
Fear, pain, and confusion rolled into a big ball of WTF thinking. It took a while until I worked back to just feeling a lot of compassion for her and sorrow.
As you said... their own little world.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
I would say he is probably in depression and withdrawal maybe a little replay. I say this because some days he is nice and some does we just don't hear from him.
He is still angry but not as bad as it was a couple of months ago. He is always on the defense though it you don't say the right work or something the right way. His anger unfortunately seems more focused on my S right now then me. But then S has been challenging him.
A lot of fear in an MLC. Often fear comes out as anger, both as a reaction and a kind of pre-emptive defense/armoring. He is a scared little boy. Unfortunately, that can lead to bullying those they perceive as weaker as a means to run from their fear.
I'm glad you say it at least has improved. Keep insisting on your boundaries and respectful treatment.
Good luck!
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Good luck to you to A. It seems your W sounds like where my H was a few months ago where everything in the entire history was your fault. Just know that it always takes two.
Keep GALing as best you can. I don't know about you but I am doing better in I know I have things to work on but so does H. I think the hard part for me right now is when H's family ask him to do something and he does it and I am standing by myself thinking what about me.
I think the hard part for me right now is when H's family ask him to do something and he does it and I am standing by myself thinking what about me.
I guess I feel left out after 20 years.
Is it just that your H doesn't think/want to include you, or that you feel rejected by his family as well as by him?
Even if his family sees through his version of things, and some want to see you, they will be highly unlikely to out of respect for his wishes or loyalty. Some might exclude out of bad feelings toward you based on what he tells them, but others may not or are even sympathetic to you. So if it is feelings of rejection by them, in part, don't take it personally. Even those who do harbor ill-will, are either not the members of his family you probably really care all that much about or are so swayed by your H's one-sided version of things that they aren't really rejecting of you but of a ghost who never was.
If it is a belief or reminder of a belief that they are judging you, brush that off. Some may be, others may not. And it is how things turn out in the end: how do they feel about you in the unknowable future. Just like your H, that story has yet to be written.
Still, I know it is hard, as my W is going to be taking the kids out to vacation w/ her family in a few weeks and I'm already feeling some of the hurt of missing out, both of being with my immediate family, but also seeing some of her family who I really like and enjoy being around (a few, not so much).
It is a reminder that we need to detach not just from our S, but from their family and friends as well. In the same way: civil, pleasant, happy, but detached.
Good luck dealing w/ those feelings. Hang in there, that will bother you less w/ time as well.
Last edited by asitis; 06/25/1503:18 AM. Reason: Added the don't take it personally part.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
So today is our 21st Anniversary he came over to house this morning to pick up son and he gave me a life Jacket because I had told him last week I would be waterskiing over July 4th with my S when on vacation. He gave me a fancy wine opening kit (I like wine).
At first my thought was well that's not very anniversary like gifts then I thought Hey he put some thought into them at least and did it on his own. I didn't get a card, but I guess I can't get to picky.
I gave him some Oakley sunglasses because he has been wanting some to ride his motorcycle with and his has a cheap pair but he had expressed he really like our nephews Oakleys.
I think we both did pretty well. I just don't want to get my expectations up. Thoughts anyone?
