Summer of Growth and Acceptance

[Zues126]

he is saying the actions I am taking speak louder than words and they are not helping our situation or his perception of how our marriage could be. This is why he feels he cannot talk to me.

Talk about a controlling tone. It's hardly fair to BD you, expect you to audition for your own M when he's not committing anything himself, and then sit back and judge, and then top it off with manipulative behavior by punishing you when you do it wrong.

The bad is you can't win by living up to his standards as that wouldn't be possible even at your best, and you're human and not necessarily at your best in this crisis.

The good is that he's speaking in language that shows he hasn't let go of the possibility of R.

Down the road I wonder if there's a way to open the door to counseling. You could even conference him in to your DB coach for one session and say "I am working with a counselor to better understand how I contributed to the breakdown of our M. I have come to learn some of the things I've done such as A, B, C (maybe including minimizing his needs for sexual connection, along with being supportive, appreciative, and accepting). But my therapist told me it would be really helpful if you'd be willing to join a session to express in your own words how it's impacted our ability to communicate. I'm not asking you to go to M counseling or do this on a recurring basis, but regardless of the future I want to learn from my mistakes and was wondering if you'd be willing to share that with my IC so he could help me better. Whether I'm there or not. Please think that over and let me know."

I would think the opportunity to be heard and validated would be overpowering, especially if it held the potential to help him get what he may really want. And if done tactfully it might not be pursuing.

But for now I think you can go slow, and the primary goal is to detach. If you did the above it would be laced with expectation, on his side for you to change, on yours for him to acknowledge that change. So I don't think you're there yet.

You're right about detaching. The dancing and the 'card game' continues and it's really hard to work on yourself when you're feeling reactive to him. Not easy BW, but keep on your road. Remember- HE ISN'T THE JUDGE OF WHETHER YOU ARE GROWING. YOU ARE. He is the judge of how he wants to respond. And it may hurt because you want R and see the grain of truth in what he's saying. But if you are doing your best then be proud.

Funny story. I used to have a hard time playing pool in front of my dad. For many years (when I was 14-20). He was so critical, and I was so eager to win his approval. But it was never good enough. Eventually I was top tier and used to playing in front of big audiences. Some of those in the stands would whisper things critically, or ask me why I shot a certain shot, or just say things kind of disrespectful about how I played. I quickly got to the point where I realized the audience is full of critics, but those are their own issues of insecurities or jealousies, whatever. And I got over it. So then I played my dad and he started in again and I just realized "he's just another a-hole with a critical opinion". Instead of seeing him as this parental power figure, he was just a jerk, and I knew how to tune out jerks.

The good news is that not only did I learn not to be bothered by it, once I wasn't I realized he wasn't all that bad once I got past that, and I am now able to enjoy my R with him and not let his quirks wreck our good times.

Amazing what detachment can do. By caring less about what he thought some of the time, I was able to grow closer and feel safe enough to recognize the merit of much of what he did think and feel that was positive. It can be done. Keep going!