The Dance of Uncertainty Continues...

[PigPen]

Thank you Wonka, this is a big help for me and I'm grateful for your input.

1) Empathetically let my W know that I understand (to the best of my ability) how difficult it must have been for her to be in our M with an addict. How that made me untruthful, emotionally inconsistent, indirect, conflict avoidant, and most importantly unavailable for real intimacy. That must have been hell, and I want to apologize for that, sincerely. It's hard for me to even write that.

2) I want to let her know that I've taken our separation and reasons behind it more seriously than I've taken any other change in my life. I've taken full responsibility for my addictions, have gotten and stayed sober with no relapses (157 days today), joined AA then switched to a Buddhist version of AA, have seen an IC every week in addition to talking to a DB coach, meditate daily on my own and with a group weekly, have attended two spiritual retreats, have completely redesigned my role in my business to allow for more down time and creative work, have read umpteen books on communications and relationships, and have joined a mens' group.

All of this was done under the assumption that she's not coming back (she originally told me that things were done, that was before I knew of DB so I literally thought, "things are done.") I've taken responsibility for my own life and taken care of myself throughout this process. Two things that she specifically said went away as soon as we got married and she was then reliant upon.

- How to present them - the first one humbly and with full honesty, I had problems when we got married and they got worse. That's embarrassing to admit but I need to swallow my pride and do it. I will probably end up crying whether I try not to or not.

The second one I want to actually present with a calm sense of pride, not ego, but pride. I've done a lot of work over the past five months on myself and am honestly proud of that. I could have gone the other way but I didn't. My IC said that often when he works with people with addictions it starts with marital breakdowns, not the other way around. It's sucked to tell my family, my business partner, and my clients that I had a problem and was living a double life. But I've done it over and over.

My W said she originally fell in love with my courage, humor, and desire to help people. That and my back rubs. I want to portray courage by being truthful and admitting my wrongs. I'm using what I've learned from our separation to help people (a woman on my flight home emailed me a few days ago telling me she's 21 days sober after talking to me), and feel like that will come out too.

That's my plan Wonka. I'm fully open to input as well though.