To V - it's both. The LOL is laughing out loud, but the email was signed "lots of love". Mr. B is right, I spent an hour last night dissecting the details of the email - why doesn't she use my name any more, she tells me she has another appt in our town but doesn't say what it is, why is that? She's going out of town this weekend, but doesn't say where, how come?
All irrelevant I know. She fired me as her H so there's no need in her mind to explain her whereabouts. And it really shouldn't matter to me anyway, my path is the same - keep making myself a H that only a fool would leave, and be awesome.
The C has openings next week so I'm seeing if we can sit down then. Fingers crossed.
I've realized that I haven't been DB'ing well for the past week and a half and have done virtually nothing to work towards my own goals. Most of my time is still spent on this forum, obsessing over this C appt, the conversation with my W's cousin, and why the messages between the two were so different. I feel like I'm right back to when she first walked out, not almost six months and a lot of work later.
I'm going to post some goals on here this afternoon that I'm committed to, otherwise this situation is going to just keep eating up my energy and thoughts and not let me move forward at all. Reading the success stories last night reaffirmed how important it is to live a life while all of this is going on to take the charge out of how long it may last. No one can just sit around waiting for their WAW to have a change of heart.
Last edited by PigPen; 06/24/1502:36 PM.
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
Just had a great talk with DB Coach Chuck. He asked me a great question at the end of the session that I'd like to put in here before stating some goals to stop me from obsessing about my sitch all day.
"If you knew that in 30 days your W suddenly woke and decided that she wanted to begin reconciliation with you, what would you do in the meantime?"
My answer was that I would stop living in my head and start to put the pieces in place to get my website back up and running, get my nutrition classes back out to the public, and build my current business up by doing all of the steps needed for the rebranding we are going through in August.
So my GAL goals for the next 30 days are:
- Continue 12 step work and meetings - attend 1 addiction seminar - Work in my business as if I was still happily married (make my business a priority over my sitch...harder to quantify) - 3 hours of professional writing per week for my site - design 3 online nutrition coaching packages - triple our business Instagram following in 30 days - Workout 4 - 6 times per week myself - Cook 1 new meal per week
That should keep me busy, healthy, and focused on my own life while my situation unfolds.
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
[quote=PigPen]Just had a great talk with DB Coach Chuck. He asked me a great question at the end of the session that I'd like to put in here before stating some goals to stop me from obsessing about my sitch all day.
"If you knew that in 30 days your W suddenly woke and decided that she wanted to begin reconciliation with you, what would you do in the meantime?"
This is why I love this forum. With everyone sharing bits of their situation, every once in a while something just resonates with you in just the right way. Thank you for sharing. I love your goals btw. I tend to work best under pressure with many things, so I think the 30 days is what did it for me. I think the key is setting no expectations on outcomes with regard to R. However, it all about making the most of the gift time we have been given instead of (censored) it away. As long as you do that, then you win regardless.
Can't wait to hear updates on your progress!!
Last edited by BW05; 06/24/1507:39 PM.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
Early July is next week and it'll fly by very quickly. You might want to start thinking about 2 to 3 main points you would want to touch on in MC with W in the room.
Thank you Wonka, this is a big help for me and I'm grateful for your input.
1) Empathetically let my W know that I understand (to the best of my ability) how difficult it must have been for her to be in our M with an addict. How that made me untruthful, emotionally inconsistent, indirect, conflict avoidant, and most importantly unavailable for real intimacy. That must have been hell, and I want to apologize for that, sincerely. It's hard for me to even write that.
2) I want to let her know that I've taken our separation and reasons behind it more seriously than I've taken any other change in my life. I've taken full responsibility for my addictions, have gotten and stayed sober with no relapses (157 days today), joined AA then switched to a Buddhist version of AA, have seen an IC every week in addition to talking to a DB coach, meditate daily on my own and with a group weekly, have attended two spiritual retreats, have completely redesigned my role in my business to allow for more down time and creative work, have read umpteen books on communications and relationships, and have joined a mens' group.
All of this was done under the assumption that she's not coming back (she originally told me that things were done, that was before I knew of DB so I literally thought, "things are done.") I've taken responsibility for my own life and taken care of myself throughout this process. Two things that she specifically said went away as soon as we got married and she was then reliant upon.
- How to present them - the first one humbly and with full honesty, I had problems when we got married and they got worse. That's embarrassing to admit but I need to swallow my pride and do it. I will probably end up crying whether I try not to or not.
The second one I want to actually present with a calm sense of pride, not ego, but pride. I've done a lot of work over the past five months on myself and am honestly proud of that. I could have gone the other way but I didn't. My IC said that often when he works with people with addictions it starts with marital breakdowns, not the other way around. It's sucked to tell my family, my business partner, and my clients that I had a problem and was living a double life. But I've done it over and over.
My W said she originally fell in love with my courage, humor, and desire to help people. That and my back rubs. I want to portray courage by being truthful and admitting my wrongs. I'm using what I've learned from our separation to help people (a woman on my flight home emailed me a few days ago telling me she's 21 days sober after talking to me), and feel like that will come out too.
That's my plan Wonka. I'm fully open to input as well though.
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
Thanks Matt, I put that in there but wasn't thinking of mentioning it at all in the actual meeting.
This is my safe place!
I should add that for #2 - my plan was to outline it as "this is my new life" because it is. Whether we get D or not, nothing changes with my changes. I'm going to keep working the 12 steps, keep seeing an IC, keep meditating, and living my life with congruency.
Truthfully, I have never been happier with my life other than the fact that I'm separated from my W. All of the other aspects are amazing and are ways of living that I wanted to embrace for years but failed at.
Last edited by PigPen; 06/25/1512:10 AM.
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
