Detaching DOES NOT "suggest we don't talk anymore" Read up on that more .. you misunderstood ... Going Dark is not talking.
I too was "not there for her" ... but ya know what .. I was, I was always there, like a security blanket I was there. Sure I needed to LISTEN more but I was there. So ... you yank that blanket off a bit. And you are not there, physically ... you are out doing your thing.
My W never thought she would lose me either ... in fact as we open and share she referred to me as her rock and knew I would never leave. Well .. until I took my S Christmas day and she spent it alone on the beach realizing infact I had moved on. Took 3 months after that epiphany for her to end the A, and break it off for good with OM knowing I would have to have full transparency and she would have to commit. But She finally FELT that she was losing her H, I never said anything nor threatened it .. was by actions only.
Quote:
CaliGuy, you suggest I go out with a friend and keep it mysterious. Refuse to say who or where I'm going. We never have independently gone out and not shared before. Obviously this invites conflict, but what is the appropriate response? "Just a friend?", "Just took some time for myself"? Or do I cop to seeing a "friend" and/or place and give no details? It seems awkward and strange to give no information - though I realize some of the strategies will feel counter-intuitive.
Yes .. go out alone, with a friend .. whatever and where ever. If she asks, "I'm going out and I'll be back later" .. no time line. She has lied and deceived you and at this point is wayward, she does not deserve and explanation at this point, its not that you are going out and sleeping with anyone .. you are going out and beginning to live your life "as if" she is gone.
Quote:
Big question, regarding MC. We have a session tonight. Do I, in the session, state that I feel we should discontinue until W is committed to the marriage? Or do I after the session just tell W that we've gotten everything out of it that we can while she's still in the A and not committed? I was the one who pushed for MC and we started 3 days after D-Day. If it's not helpful, how do I get out of it without it seeming that I've given up on the marriage?
My advice as I was there ... I would REFUSE any MC till the A is over. As my MC therapist told us, she had never counseled a 3 headed marriage. If you read here its really impossible to do the MC things (Ya know like repairing damage, reconnecting, loving, trusting and forgiving) while one of the spouses is still involved with a lover.Waste of money and more importantly you could be using that time more productively GALing
Quote:
You guys are all right that she's comfortable with me and sees no danger. At the moment she knows I'm in it for the long run and am in a sense "waiting it out". She knows I have faith that we can get over this issue/hump and repair our relationship - though she is showing she's not really that interested in doing it. Even though she states she doesn't care if she loses me, she knows that she isn't going to. If I'm not fully prepared to walk away without giving my all, how can I help expedite the realization that it could all go away? I also know it's a marathon and not a sprint, but I'm action and result oriented and patience is hard.
Till this changes ... she will not change. She knows there is little future with OM, but ... how can he deny her.. its now a challenge .. OM is smart and playing her perfectly and could have her tonight if he snapped his fingers.
DBing will help you flip the tables .. but you have to sometimes do what will feel counterproductive. You will have to transform yourself into the more desirable option.
There is more work ... but for now really work on GAL, 180, detaching all while maintaining the PMA ... stop doing small things for her ... stop pursuing.
