I have been lurking on these forums for the last week. I thought it was time to introduce my situation and seek some advice.
I am 33. My wife is 30. 12 years together prior to marriage. 3 years of marriage. No kids.
On the morning of 6/14, I came home after a long night of work. Pulled into the driveway, her car is missing. Walked into the house noticed lots of furniture missing. I thought I had been robbed! After searching the house I find a short note. "You are an awesome person. I wish the best for you always. We are two totally different people. We both deserve to be happy. I've contacted a lawyer. I meet with him next week. Contact you later this week." Shock had set in. I didn't even have a bed to sleep in. I had to laugh that she had even raided the canned goods in the pantry. She had been in a wedding as a bridesmaid all day and evening. In the middle of the night, she had recruited friends to move her out, while I was at work. This had to be an all night task. I arrived home at 0730. She had even initiated sex and told me she loved me the morning before she left!
I was lucky to have found this forum early without breaking too many rules. In a panic, initially I sent her a text (no response, no surprise). It was cordial though. I called her mother for an explanation. They reported they had nothing to do with it and refused to even help her move. She was crying on the phone. She also reported they had only 1 day prior notice and had tried to stop her. I ended up finding she had moved in with her best friend. Her best friend had been in my situation a year ago, with her husband leaving her. She has 3 kids and a new boyfriend whom she already wants to marry. We have 3 dogs, she left me two and took one.
A little background. Marriage had gone south probably since September of 2014. We had spoke about separation then. I wrote like a ten page letter promising I would change. I begged, I pleaded, I acted weak. I started doing my own 180's but could not get her to make her own. I had not read or heard of DB or DR yet. I first started noticing change when she got a new job in October of 2013. She started getting a lot of male attention, new single friends with bad influence, got a tattoo (something she would have never done in the past), out with girls all the time. Things seemed good again up until March. She became absent in our marriage. She was gone all the time, distant when together in our house, sex drive was nonexistent. We had a trip to Vegas in early May, which I thought had gone very well.
Her criticisms of me were I had become a homebody, didn't go to enough family functions or social gatherings, I didn't help enough around the house (something I had greatly increased since first talk), and spent too much time on entertainment. My criticisms were she nagged all the time, obsessive compulsive traits with cleaning, emotionally distant, poor communication, always starting fights, and stubborn to a fault.
I suspected an affair as far back as the first talk. She would get angry and adamantly deny this. After this happened her mother told me that was the first question she asked her. She said my wife became angry and crying, demanding there was no one else. I don't have any proof of one, except she was always possessive of her cell phone and hated me getting anywhere near it.
Fast forward 10 days to now...my wife has still not contacted me. I know where she is living. I talked to her best friend whom she is living with the day after the bomb. She was supportive towards me and said she would do what is best for both of us. I texted my wife the morning of and the day after. I tried to call her in the morning the day after. She never responded. I have not tried to contact her in 8 days. It is a real struggle.
I have been doing things with her family. I spent the day with her sister and brother in law Saturday. I went to church with her mom last Sunday (another wife criticism). When we left church, there was a text from my wife to her mom saying she was headed over for Father's Day. We had to rush home so I could avoid conflict with her. I missed her by five minutes. Family said she was there all day and did not bring up the situation, so they didn't. Her family has been really supportive of me. When I saw her dad, he came outside and hugged me and apologizing profusely for her actions. He even began crying. They are hopeful we can mend the marriage.
I bought DB and DR. I have almost finished DB. I am trying to GAL. I joined a gym, got involved in church, reconnected with many friends, going out socially, burying myself in my career. I get a promotion this week! The times alone in this big empty house are the worst, so I try to stay busy.
I did obtain a lawyer who is a good friend of mine. Of course, he was also hurt by this, so he wanted to go after the jugular. Talking about going for a fault divorce due to abandonment, swearing our larceny warrants on her at work, and civil claims. I don't want that. We are just waiting to hear from her or her lawyer. I want our marriage to work. I have always been the spouse who tries to make it work and fix our problems.
Where do I go from here? No contact for 10 days now. I swore I would not contact her further after she made the first aggressive move and did not respond to my text or calls after the initial bomb.
Thanks for listening...
Me: 33 W: 30 T - 12 M - 3 K - 0 BD - 6/14/15 Moved out - 6/14/15
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
So I don't understand. Is she seeing someone else or not?
"Her criticisms of me were I had become a homebody, didn't go to enough family functions or social gatherings,"
Was this true?
"I didn't help enough around the house (something I had greatly increased since first talk), and spent too much time on entertainment."
What kind of entertainment? Was this true?
"My criticisms were she nagged all the time,"
You know, instead of seeing it as "nagging" did you ever think that she just tried to get you to listen and you would just blow her off, therefore she would have to increase her talks to you and you kept seeing it as "nagging".
"obsessive compulsive traits with cleaning,"
Was she diagnosed with OCD? If not, and if you're not a physician, that's just your poor opinion of her. If she really has OCD, then you should understand that it's a "disorder" and not something that is stopped easily if you don't understand it.
"emotionally distant,"
In what way? Did you ever think that maybe she was "distant" because you didn't listen to her which caused her to "nag" you, and eventually because you didn't listen, she just shut down?
"poor communication,"
Give an example.
"always starting fights,"
Starting fights or just trying to make her point across after she felt you weren't listening.
"and stubborn to a fault."
Was she always like this? From what I've seen of your description, your "problems" with her are all linked together. And because you still seem very dismissive of them, it doesn't sound like you've changed anything about them. Is this true?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
So I don't understand. Is she seeing someone else or not?
I honestly don't know. There are suspicions but no proof.
"Her criticisms of me were I had become a homebody, didn't go to enough family functions or social gatherings,"
Was this true?
Yes, it is true. Something I am trying to work on now. I have been going out with her family and reconnecting with friends.
"I didn't help enough around the house (something I had greatly increased since first talk), and spent too much time on entertainment."
What kind of entertainment? Was this true?
Yes, this is also true. I was known to get wrapped up in the computer, video games, and television.
"My criticisms were she nagged all the time,"
You know, instead of seeing it as "nagging" did you ever think that she just tried to get you to listen and you would just blow her off, therefore she would have to increase her talks to you and you kept seeing it as "nagging".
Entirely possible. I think I had more of an issue with the way it would escalate to verbal abuse and put downs. In response, I would respond in a less than positive way.
"obsessive compulsive traits with cleaning,"
Was she diagnosed with OCD? If not, and if you're not a physician, that's just your poor opinion of her. If she really has OCD, then you should understand that it's a "disorder" and not something that is stopped easily if you don't understand it.
She has not been diagnosed with OCD. She will not seek help. I work in psychiatry so I can see the traits in her. I would consider it more of a obsessive compulsive personality disorder, as opposed to the full blown ocd. She had set up an appointment with a doctor a week prior to this to get on medications for anxiety and this. Not sure what the outcome of this was or if she even went
"emotionally distant,"
In what way? Did you ever think that maybe she was "distant" because you didn't listen to her which caused her to "nag" you, and eventually because you didn't listen, she just shut down?
I would talk about my accomplishments at work or my day. She would barely acknowledge me. I would ask about her day at work or plans for the week and she would be vague or guarded. I think she did emotionally shut down because I didn't listen. I think after the first separation talk, I had made a real effort to work on this. Too little, too late I guess.
"poor communication,"
Give an example.
She would constantly make plans, not involving me, and only tell me until a few hours prior of her leaving for said plans. Sometimes this would turn into overnight stays, a couple days away. She would not be honest about her feelings or speak about them.
"always starting fights,"
Starting fights or just trying to make her point across after she felt you weren't listening.
I think our frustrations had gotten to the point where all the interaction we had was conflict. It would start as soon as she walked in the door. I would try to hold up my end and clean more, help out around the house more. She would always find a way to find something wrong with the way I had tried to help. This resulted from previous years of neglect on my part, which I fully acknowledge and told her.
"and stubborn to a fault."
Was she always like this? From what I've seen of your description, your "problems" with her are all linked together. And because you still seem very dismissive of them, it doesn't sound like you've changed anything about them. Is this true?
Definitely, still a work in progress. I really don't want to be dismissive of them. I think the hurt and pain is still so new. I made mistakes in our marriage. I tried to correct them after the first separation talk. I didn't fix them all but made an effort.
Me: 33 W: 30 T - 12 M - 3 K - 0 BD - 6/14/15 Moved out - 6/14/15
I find myself obsessively watching her social media accounts. For updates..any updates. She rejoined one on Monday and started posting pictures of my dog and her new living situation with her best friend. Reporting how "fun" it was. She is currently living with her best friend who has 3 kids and a boyfriend in a smaller house. She made another account private so I could no longer see it.
I desperately want to send her some kind of text like "Hey, you mentioned you would contact me last week. Hope everything is okay." I don't want that to appear as pursuing. I have not tried to contact her for 9 days now. I am trying to give her space. I keep expecting to hear from her lawyer any day, but I haven't.
Should I call her? Should I continue avoiding her?
Me: 33 W: 30 T - 12 M - 3 K - 0 BD - 6/14/15 Moved out - 6/14/15
My suggestion is to not contact her - that is pursuit.
I also suggest to stop looking at her social media accounts, it will drive you crazy. Block her or delete her. Either or just so you don't have to see it.
I blocked my W so I wouldn't be tortured by what she is up to without me. It made it really mad that I did this - LOL. Funny what gets WW's upset.
Also - rephrase your last sentance - youare not avoiding her, you are living your life - remember? GAL!
Thanks HeavyD, That is what I will continue to do then. I think I will block her for the time being because it is driving me crazy. And your right, GAL shall continue!
Me: 33 W: 30 T - 12 M - 3 K - 0 BD - 6/14/15 Moved out - 6/14/15
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I agree w/ Heavy D. Stop the pursuit in any form. Every time I thought I was stopping the pursuit, I had to realize that I was still doing little things that indicated pursuit. It takes repeated looking at your actions.
Also, agree on the social media. I wouldn't unfriend, as this is seemed like a type of pursuit in a weird sort of way: look at me, look at me I don't need you, please look at me and react to what I'm doing. I did stop following her FB (I'm not into the other SM as I'm a bit behind the times), as I couldn't take seeing the juvenile things she was posting about. It was like she was a teenager again, and it was too painful to see her act like this. I finally had to just stop for my own sanity. If it is triggering you to initiate contact, then definitely stop following/block her - NOW!
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
