Working on it, but affair hasn't ended yet...

[t33]

Do I state this to her? Or is this just a waiting game until her actions show that she's committed? At what point do I trust she's back and committed?

At some point you will have to state them, wait for the oppurtunity ... your W thinks she has you in a blind spot, told you she ended it with OM, but you have intel that states .. while it may be on the rocks her actions prove to the contrary .. its up to you on how to tell her you know there is an ongoing EA and will not stand for it.

We do have periods of honesty when we talk. Detaching suggests we don't talk anymore. If I ask her if she's still talking/texting to him, she will most likely say Yes. While this is a sign of disrespect, I think it's better than disrespecting with lying (levels of disrespect - ha!). She would not bring it back up that she ended it. But if I asked, she's probably admit it. If she talks about the R, I suppose that is the time to ask the question. Otherwise, I go about business like I assume the A is ongoing - without bringing it up as long as it doesn't cross into the home boundary?

Again read her wayward treads... gold in those hills man.

Definitely good information there.

A major thing I'm struggling with in sandi2's advice from the Newcomer LBH post is:

The first loss the wayward should experience is her H. When everything is laid out and she starts with the usual BS of not seeing a future with him, etc., he should start immediately in pulling away. He needs to do it to the degree she feels his absence in her everyday life. And it is important that the H does not make any grand announcements about his intentions. He doesn't talk. He acts. He doesn't tell her what he's doing, he just does it.

This is exactly where our problems began. I was absent. I 180'd to not be absent. This feels like a Last Resort technique. This seems like it puts us back to where the trouble started. So if that didn't work for our relationship when I was gone and missing, how, in my situation will this help fix the problem?

Quietly try to expose her at work? That doesn't seem like a good idea and she'll be leaving soon anyways. The consequences of me going off on my own? But if problems arose from me not being there? I realize I must GAL - but still...

There are different approaches on this ... my feeling is the A has to burn out on its own or the W will blame you for ruining her shot at freedom

Agreed

... but exposure can speed this up, confrontation to a OM who is married does show you will fight for your M ... this is a very sticky area and I see the benefits both ways ... its more about what you are prepared to do here. In your case .. sounds like OM is not all that interested, playing it cool ... but most likely will dip not the free cookie jar.

Yes - his boss is suspicious as well. I could plant seeds, but I don't want the complications to be pointed back at me, that could be counterintuitive. Same with his family. While he's playing it cool, he's certainly enjoying the free goods. I also don't want him to get fired if she's leaving the company. He could end up with more free time that could be bad. Better to keep him where he is. I will keep this as a scorched earth possibility, but I guess I should take a wait and see approach once she leaves the company.

No stupid questions ... if the phone is your source of intel and you can verify her truths/lies then its not a bad thing to keep that.

As long as it is, I think it's important to keep.

For me my W was full blown done with me and into the A, my tactics were different ... I did threaten to expose the A but never did. I had little intel which made it harder.

And for me, I don't think threats are going to do anything but make her withdraw and resent.

You have to state your boundaries .. be clear and its non-negotiable .. this can be done calmly and you do not have to be an Ahole about it.

I know boundaries are personal and situational, but any suggestions on how to approach it? I stated no communication at home or with the kids. The only consequence of breaking that is losing the phone which I don't particularly want to do especially if it takes their relationship underground.

Keep reading Sandi's stuff ... also look at Starsky's advice all over the forum, his approach is really the way I would nudge you into doing.

Will do.

Other Thoughts:

The consequences I suppose have to be the realization of losing the family and losing me. Though right now she says she feels no fear of losing me. By that I have to GAL and work towards acting like I'm moving on. The gamble of this is she says "oh good, you're moving on. I'll move on too". But that is the strategy?

CaliGuy, you suggest I go out with a friend and keep it mysterious. Refuse to say who or where I'm going. We never have independently gone out and not shared before. Obviously this invites conflict, but what is the appropriate response? "Just a friend?", "Just took some time for myself"? Or do I cop to seeing a "friend" and/or place and give no details? It seems awkward and strange to give no information - though I realize some of the strategies will feel counterintuitive.

Friday, she'll be getting to the hotel early, probably take a spa session. I can easily not ask any questions when I arrive and not be interested in what she did during the day. Is this proper, or should I be actively interested?

Big question, regarding MC. We have a session tonight. Do I, in the session, state that I feel we should discontinue until W is committed to the marriage? Or do I after the session just tell W that we've gotten everything out of it that we can while she's still in the A and not committed? I was the one who pushed for MC and we started 3 days after D-Day. If it's not helpful, how do I get out of it without it seeming that I've given up on the marriage?

You guys are all right that she's comfortable with me and sees no danger. At the moment she knows I'm in it for the long run and am in a sense "waiting it out". She knows I have faith that we can get over this issue/hump and repair our relationship - though she is showing she's not really that interested in doing it. Even though she states she doesn't care if she loses me, she knows that she isn't going to. If I'm not fully prepared to walk away without giving my all, how can I help expedite the realization that it could all go away? I also know it's a marathon and not a sprint, but I'm action and result oriented and patience is hard.