Do I state this to her? Or is this just a waiting game until her actions show that she's committed? At what point do I trust she's back and committed?
At some point you will have to state them, wait for the oppurtunity ... your W thinks she has you in a blind spot, told you she ended it with OM, but you have intel that states .. while it may be on the rocks her actions prove to the contrary .. its up to you on how to tell her you know there is an ongoing EA and will not stand for it.
You will know when she is commited when she tells you she will do anything to save the marriage ... then you will list your terms (NC letter to OM, Full transparency, MC ... etc....)
Originally Posted By: t33
Without going dark, again, it's just the GAL and PMA strategies?
Add in the biggie .. Detachment .. yes.
Originally Posted By: t33
sandi2 says her fantasy has to crumble from consequences of her actions. What consequences that aren't fully detrimental to the family?
This^^^ leans towards you being cool with yout wife having an affar .. look ... SHE is doing this .. not you .. the consequences of HER actions are detrimental to the family, you did not choose this but you must stand up for yourself here.
Again read her wayward treads... gold in those hills man.
Originally Posted By: t33
Quietly try to expose her at work? That doesn't seem like a good idea and she'll be leaving soon anyways. The consequences of me going off on my own? But if problems arose from me not being there? I realize I must GAL - but still...
There are different approaches on this ... my feeling is the A has to burn out on its own or the W will blame you for ruining her shot at freedom ... but exposure can speed this up, confrontation to a OM who is married does show you will fight for your M ... this is a very sticky area and I see the benefits both ways ... its more about what you are prepared to do here. In your case .. sounds like OM is not all that interested, playing it cool ... but most likely will dip not the free cookie jar.
Originally Posted By: t33
I don't have to let her go on the vacation - but is that punishment?
I can stop discussing the A and the R until she's back.
The event will still go on this weekend, so we'll go together. It will be good to be away from the kids, but how can I continue to DB during this? Focusing on the other folks at the event? That seems to reinforce the "best friends" feeling she has that we're there together but not together.
I realize I need boundaries and consequences for them. But other than canceling her phone, I'm not sure what to do.
I feel like I'm asking stupid questions, but my mind is still in a whirlwind.
No stupid questions ... if the phone is your source of intel and you can verify her truths/lies then its not a bad thing to keep that.
For me my W was full blown done with me and into the A, my tactics were different ... I did threaten to expose the A but never did. I had little intel which made it harder.
You have already busted her, she knows you know but thinks she pulled one over on you and continues to pursue OM, she does not respect you. And no woman is attracted to a man she does not respect. This was true with my W aswell
You have to state your boundaries .. be clear and its non-negotiable .. this can be done calmly and you do not have to be an Ahole about it.
Keep reading Sandi's stuff ... also look at Starsky's advice all over the forum, his approach is really the way I would nudge you into doing.
