On detachment. Don't see it as something that you do 100%. I don't think any of us can aspire to that. We still care. We still want to heal our families. Those of us with kids still get our buttons pushed around things which impact them. You sound like you are doing a good job detaching, but it will never be a solid wall that keeps the pain and emotion away. It will still hurt. It will still suck. It will still provoke you. And, you will still make mistakes and react occasionally. It is just that the vast majority of the time, you won't let the words and actions of your S provoke you into bad reactions. The feelings won't take over and auto pilot won't kick in so easily.
You are human. You clearly love your family, and are passionately committed to healing it. How can you possibly to expect to fully detach? You wouldn't be standing up in sitch doing what needs to be done if you were able to detach in total. It also allows you to help others on these forums because you can empathize and sympathize with them, connect with them even though you never really meet them. Try to see that you don't really want detachment the way you just put it in your earlier post. You want the pain to stop. Unfortunately, it isn't - at least not soon or as fully as we want. You still don't want that kind of detachment - you are too good for that and you are clearly strong enough and courageous enough (from your posts here and in others' threads) to stand up in that reality and do what it takes.
Vent if you need, we'll listen and help support you, just as you do for us.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
We did have a session for S9 lined up through the mediators. Guess what. WW has decided she's not going back. I crafted an email with the wonderful help from wonka to try and see if she will go back. At the moment that's a no but I will try once again.
I like your conflict resolution technique. I tried to talk her into doing something similar when I first came back here and although she agreed she forgot as soon as the 'no texting OM' boundary was out there. Wonder why. Anyway I will sit patiently for a few more days. We need to sort out S9 schedule for next week and I'll try to use that to discuss these issues. To me this is immediate. So yea, as I said to her before it one thing to hurt my feelings but another to hurt S9's. I know she doesn't do it intentionally. It's me she's getting at and that's fine IF she can contain herself until we are alone.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
That doesn't necessarily mean that she's actually "in love with the OM." No mind reading right there. It is the dopamine that makes people think they're "in love." Think grammar school, buddy. How quickly they drop their love interests.
Be the Cool Hand Luke here and just observe from afar the grammar school antics that is W and the OM.
On detachment. Don't see it as something that you do 100%. I don't think any of us can aspire to that. We still care. We still want to heal our families. Those of us with kids still get our buttons pushed around things which impact them. You sound like you are doing a good job detaching, but it will never be a solid wall that keeps the pain and emotion away. It will still hurt. It will still suck. It will still provoke you. And, you will still make mistakes and react occasionally. It is just that the vast majority of the time, you won't let the words and actions of your S provoke you into bad reactions. The feelings won't take over and auto pilot won't kick in so easily.
You are human. You clearly love your family, and are passionately committed to healing it. How can you possibly to expect to fully detach? You wouldn't be standing up in sitch doing what needs to be done if you were able to detach in total. It also allows you to help others on these forums because you can empathize and sympathize with them, connect with them even though you never really meet them. Try to see that you don't really want detachment the way you just put it in your earlier post. You want the pain to stop. Unfortunately, it isn't - at least not soon or as fully as we want. You still don't want that kind of detachment - you are too good for that and you are clearly strong enough and courageous enough (from your posts here and in others' threads) to stand up in that reality and do what it takes.
Vent if you need, we'll listen and help support you, just as you do for us.
This my friend is one of the most thoughtful, kindest things anyone has ever said. From the bottom of my heart thank you. On a day when I felt I was backsliding, having to pull myself up by the bootstraps this is really something I needed to hear. You are a hero sir.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
That doesn't necessarily mean that she's actually "in love with the OM." No mind reading right there. It is the dopamine that makes people think they're "in love." Think grammar school, buddy. How quickly they drop their love interests.
Be the Cool Hand Luke here and just observe from afar the grammar school antics that is W and the OM.
Hi again wonka. Thanks for chipping in again. I know what your saying. I've read the literature on limerance. So yea, cool hand Luke.
Ok for the rest of the evening I'm going to think of my own movie hero because I can't keep borrowing everyone else's ;-)
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
On detachment. Don't see it as something that you do 100%. I don't think any of us can aspire to that. We still care.
This isn't what detachment is all about here.
Detachment is not having a person's actions impact you at all. You still can be loving and caring while being detached. For example, your then 2-year old threw a tantrum in the store because he was told "no, you cannot have that Darth Vader bobble head toy." Did you spin and go into naval gazing angst when he threw that tantrum? No. Of course not...that is what detachment is all about.
Detachment means your knickers do not get all twisted up when your W says or does something stupid. It is her circus, her monkeys. No effect on you emotionally. That's detachment.
See the difference between detachment and not caring?
That's an analogy I could have done with months ago.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
I'd rather be Michael Cain than Colin bloody Firth. Only MC can deliver the immortal line 'you're only supposed to blow the bloody doors off'. Now THAT was a movie.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
Its not that we do not love that little demon-spawn that is throwing a fit, we do love but as Wonka said it does not impact us in a way we too start flopping on the floor kicking and screaming.
I seriously sucked at detaching, its seriously brutal when you are Co-Dependent (Not implying you are .. just that I was) .... but even I figured it out to a point and got better. For me it took viewing my W as a science project ... Observe, take notes, form a hypothesis ... remove my emotions from the equations, hide the buttons she would purposely look to push .. take the saved energy and apply it to myself and GALing.
