Toots ... I do not think after all I have shared here, and all I have learned I would ever feel a question is to intrusive, nor personal ... heck I would be comfy running around the forum naked at this point .. no shame in my game (Sorry for the Calvin n Hobbs visual)
It might sound as if I am not all in... its a legitimate observation. My feeling on this, I will try to explain it the best I can. I have gone through what .. 6+ OM breakups .. this is the first time I know deep down its over and has been ... so there is no "Where is OM and A" in my thinking, if she is out I am not thinking she is with OM. But in my sitch over these past couple years when I pressed and pursued she pulled back hard... the ongoing 'dance'.... so I am very aware I can not do this ... but at times I have to make a move and state my needs otherwise, yeah I would rather not pursue the M going back to the old M which I now realize I was not happy in. Going through this process I realized where I went wrong, I have needs .. not wants, and those must be filled for me to have the kind of M that I feel I deserve, my old M was one sided as I was the fixer/pleaser ... conflict avoider and it left me very frustrated ... with "Why won't she love me after I did all these things for her" A good chunk of this was addressed (not fixed) over the weekend. I do question if W can honestly fill these needs as she is not wired that way, she never learned now to from her parents, so THAT is the hang up I think we are attempting to solve. As its been said .. I am far ahead of her in the mirror/self work department so I am patiently waiting for her to do the work she is obviously now doing, knowing it took me a long time and she deserves a chance to be better.
As far as forgiveness. .... yeah a few threads ago we had a nice educational blow-up about forgiveness. To be honest ... after the debate on my thread I was left with ... A.) Can I forgive her for everything, knowing about MLC but that still does not justify what she did and how she did it B.) Can I forgive her when she has not asked for forgiveness, nor in her mind felt she had an A as 'we were separated'.
So with A.) I knew I could forgive her, not that that took away the pain and hurt, but holding on to that was not healthy for ME, it was weighing ME down ... made no difference to her really. With B.) Even harder, how can you forgive without being asked for it ... Even with my faith when I screw up I own up to what I did, admit it and then ask for forgiveness. She wrote me a letter over the weekend, for the first time she admitted the A, said it was wrong, showed remorse about the A, the lies and deceit and asked for forgiveness .... let me tell you I felt I forgave her already but after that it it felt alot like complete release of it.
So yes .. I forgave her, sure it still hurts and I still struggle with the A, the things she said during Monster ... talking CRUEL things ...but I forgave .. some things you can not forget, I just am dealing with those issues if and when they come up, like all things in this its a cycle, and less intense each time.
