Working on it, but affair hasn't ended yet...

[t33]

I do have to say I like your approach and willingness to do the work ... and honestly its tough ... you are still spinning from the bomb, the fact your world just blew up in your lap .. then trying to get your head around all the DB stuff which at the first glance can be overwhelming but it gets better with time.

Thank you. Thank you for your advice and recommendations. I am still spinning. I know I'm going to keep making mistakes, so I appreciate the suggestions.

Start GAL ... list them here, goals .. what you want to do for the summer to better yourself .. Consider your W passed away for now, as hard as that is .. she is gone, in an ice chamber .. we can thaw her out later when there is a cure .. for now .. lets live a little

This is definitely hard. My instinct is just to keep working which is what wasn't working before. So, I plan to continue my 180 of limiting work hours and coming home at a reasonable time. With that in mind, my GAL goals:

• One or two days a week - exercise on my own by taking a walk/run - if W wants to come, at this point, I think I accept and bring her along keeping conversation based on what she initiates for the most part. If she doesn't want to come - no big deal, go out and do it myself.
• One day a week - take the kids out to the park or to play. Again, if W offers, she's welcome to join, if not - I take them anyways.
• Try to find one day a week to go out on my own (perhaps with a friend). Don't have many non-work friends so this is difficult. I want to make sure it's me coming home and then going out. Otherwise it's like I never left work and back into behavior that wasn't working.

Possible GAL move, possible Cake Eating move:
After W leaves job in 2.5 weeks and hopefully before she starts new job (assuming she gets it). Planning on sending her and the kids (and possibly her mom) on a vacation. 2-3 days on their own while I do my own thing (working) and then I'll join them for the weekend. It may be cake eating, but I think it would be good for her to get away. Away from me, OM, life at home for a short respite.

PMA .. you touched on it .. tough at first but adopt the fake it till ya make it .. I pictured myself walking around like Sylvester who had tweety in his mouth .. no one knew why I was happy and I made sure no yellow fethers came out

Now that is a beautiful vision. I will aspire to do the same. No matter what I know or what has happened, I will be a fun and jolly guy.

I only practiced this moderately yesterday evening as I didn't want to act too exciting or optimistic based on her telling me she ended it with the OM. Even though I know she begged him back (unsuccessfully for today, but who knows tomorrow). She doesn't know I know that - so I don't want to act excited that she thinks I think it's over. We didn't discuss it at all over the evening. We talked about her leaving her job and her head is spinning by that, and I've been supportive and told her I was proud of her, but didn't act overly excited.

Over the next day or two I'll turn myself into Sylvester - particularly in regards to the weekend at an event we're going to Fri/Sat night. With and without her - I'll work the room and just have a blast.

If W chooses to discuss the situation and affair, I will have to discuss seriously, but I shouldn't let her see it bother me? Should I be more dismissive of those conversations? I wouldn't want her to think it's not a problem and that I don't care.

What about conversations regarding the future? She does bring them up often and it is relating to joint goals we have. I suppose continue with sylvester mode - I don't want to dismiss them. Again, this has caused problems by us not talking about this stuff. We both had similar goals and hopes and dreams, but we weren't talking about them. I was working towards them trying not to burden her with the trouble. She was wanting and wishing to push forward with those goals but thought I didn't care. It was a shock to her that I had those dreams too when we spoke about them a couple weeks ago. I think that's something we should still strive towards if she's bringing them up.

^^^ Those 2 things .. do em ... and DO NOT let on what you are doing nor when you will be back .. its the mystery element. I have shared this many times ... one night as W picked up our S I was dressed to the hilt as she arrived, walked them out and got in my car. Drove my W nuts .. blew up my phone ... I dressed up for me, went out to dinner by myself and grabbed a REdBox movie on the way home.

That's great - ha! Still, if she asks, I feel like I should say who I'm going out with, rather than just "a friend". I don't have to be specific of what we're doing or when we're going back - but I don't want to generate mistrust if it's not needed. If she doesn't ask, I don't need to offer. Keep it as mysterious as I can while just being PMA and enjoying myself.

Last one ... consider some 180's This is tricky when you have to go dim/dark and the complaint was "you never spent time with me" .... its these gray areas that were tough for me ... focus on PMA and GAL for now ... the rest will come.

As I've mentioned a few times, this is a major concern for me. So I'm not going to 180 into going dim/dark as I feel I've 180'd out of that.

Do NOT pursue her ... She is frozen and gone

That being said, I think I should still occasionally text/bring up conversation to reenforce being "around" without it being a needy/pushy/pursuit type of conversation or contact. I think this seems acceptable?

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Beyond the work above, the latest update:

Last night after work she taxied to my work and we drove home together. Slightly out of sorts but said putting in her notice was a bit surreal. Lots of emotions (I'm sure about more than work, but no bother).

While she was taxi'ing, she sent him texts:

W: So you're just going to igmore me, well don't.
OM: Just going to make it easy for you.
W: I don't want you to. I'm doing it to myself already.
W: Do you know how hard it was to focus today?
W: It suck s that there's no chance with you.
W: Just wish you wanted me as much as I you.

OM has not responded to any of that. However, he's back at work today, and I bet you they're talking. I think W may be suspicious I'm reading her texts today, so that could be it too - but who knows.

She was definitely in a funk last night and this morning. We went shopping for her clothes for the weekend. She went to the stores, I played with the kids in the mall. She enjoyed that (no kidding), but she loves shopping and I just did my own thing with the kids which was great.

We took a talk together in the evening for exercise and had very little conversation - i didn't initiate much.

This morning she was still in her funk but I let her be. I'm hoping she's beginning the withdrawal/mourning process of the relationship. In my mind, she needs to work herself out of it - but how long before she gets so desperate for another fix before she leaves work. And this guy - so noble making it easy, isn't going to turn down some easy action before she goes. He's playing her like a fiddle. I can only hope the people at her work can keep her distracting enough to get her through the next 2.5 weeks. That's wishful thinking though because if she gets desperate enough, she'll get her fix and the process doesn't resolve.

I only texted her twice this morning to see how her meeting went when they announced her departure, so we haven't really corresponded. If she's mourning, I'm happy to let her be to get it out of it. Still, it's hard not to reach out just to say Hi. Hoping this isn't going to backfire by "not being around" during the days on text like we used to be.

She did say she's excited for the event this weekend and is looking forward to it. It's two nights away from the kids. It may be a cake eating event, but hoping we can have fun together.

So, in the meantime, I'll work on my GAL and PMA. While she is at work all I can do is hope and pray that she detox/withdrawals without getting a fix. Not sure what else to do at this point...