So I spent an hour and a half in church this morning, at Mass and praying. One prayer I offered was this: "please God, just let there be a prick in my W's conscience today. Just something to crack her icy heart."
I got home and saw (in our joint fair game email account) an exchange between the two of them that I probably shouldn't have read but, in reading, saw an answer to prayer - answers don't usually come so quickly!
My W had written to the OW the following: "I feel like I am totally under attack. And the worst part is, I am believing that because of my behavior, all these bad things are happening to me and God is punishing me somehow. It is awful babe, to feel that way."
Wow. I am guessing some of this stems from the lunch my mom and the mortgage lender arranged for next week, maybe some from the Skype chat I know she read between my friend and me... but for her to tell the OW this in an email was interesting.
Of course, the OW wrote back a long diatribe about how she should talk to her pastor, a woman who left her partner after 15 years and 2 kids for another woman herself, and they turned out alright! (What planet do these Christians live on?)
And this: "You are experiencing a trauma in your life... they believe you are a 'victim,' nothing you say can be believed because you are under the 'influence.' They are plotting to 'rescue' you, but they are misguided. If their attempt 'succeeded' because they guilted you into acquiescence, you would be miserable and even lose respect for yourself. Included in what is happening to you is also a crisis in faith, or at least self-worth as you are bombarded by people who believe God is on their side, implying that He must not be on yours."
Whoa. And my W wonders why I call the OW the "predator." Actually, now I'm choosing to call her a sociopath, but I know, I know... I AM NOT SUPPOSED TO THINK OF HER AT ALL.
But all of that is to be expected from her. What I want to know is, am I wrong to feel just slightly encouraged by the prick in my W's conscience? Should I check myself to make sure she's not feeling attacked by me? Because there certainly are people willing to surround her with love - me, my family, our friends - no one wants to "attack" her. That's her twisted perception, reinforced by the OW's manipulation.
Unless she's referring to a spiritual attack... a whole different story, and something I don't disbelieve...
One day at a time. Grateful for answers to prayers, foolishly wishing more prayers would be answered more quickly.
Last edited by Cadet; 06/24/1505:21 PM. Reason: Link
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
I am sorry DifRent that you had to read that. Yuck.
Your W is facing pressure no question about it. It will beher choice what he actions will be. Of course the OW is putting the pressure on her, her agenda is to get your W to leave. As for a spiritual attack, you have zero influnece in her feeling spiritually attacked. You don't control God, do you?
As for prayers, I pray to serve Gods will and pray for the strength and grace to be able to accomplish it, whatever it maybe. I also pray for my W but nothing specifically.
Let your W feel the pressure of her behaviors. She has no concept that you have suffered a great trauma which was none of your making, right?
In my opinion, the pressure will get worse. Let her spin.
Dif .... Ok sure maybe you should not have read that ... but what a goldmine.
You are in the thick of it so allow me if I may to say what I took from this which is a bit.
Yes your W is starting to think ... hmmm ... maybe this IS wrong and God is punishing me (I will reserve my personal religious beliefs on this) ... these are her FEELINGS. Feelings are neither right nor wrong .. they are feelings .. OW made a big mistake in how she approached this as she is disregarding her feelings, basically saying they are wrong and instructing her how to FEEL ... as Heavy said and I have said in the past ... the result of this is PRESSURE. This is good.
Secondly ... OW is trying to steer this, in her favor .. planting rotten seeds, nothing you can do ... but its not offering W a better option. She may not see this now but this is not coming from someone who loves another person, a loving person might reply more along the lines of "I am sorry you feel this way", validate, listen, let her share, and if it were me I would tell her with Love, God does not punish us, he may allow us to stumble and fall but its not Him inflicting the pain in fact its us/the other guy, He wants us to learn from what we do and those lessons are between ourselves and God. Instead she went to the playground tactic and its Those evil ones (you and yours)trying to rescue you ...( hidden message there .. people would only rescue because they care) .. but that's not the point ... she is pitting a group of people against your W, now your W knows deep down they mean no harm, but will have to let this start to eat at her over time, she has shown her stubbornness and this will take a bit.
This plants the seed... Is it really all these people who cared about me for YEARS, or is it OW?
Let this seed be, add the DB water and do not change a thing ... its good she is starting to peek her head up a bit and finally reflect on what SHE is doing and the ramifications ... regardless where they come from. Let God take her for a bit, I know its hard. While this happens you be you .. PMA up and make sure you continue to be the better option, lend a ear if you need, STFU ... your W seems to need this right now.
On the Religious side ... one of the harder things I did was pray for OM, I prayed that he would wake and realize he could not possibly give my W what she needs, unconditional love, a warm loving whole family, emotional support, nor could he be there for her as she requires it when she gets ill. Maybe once a week I did this, and over time I have no doubt it started working.
you are right - I have started to pray for AP and that she realizes how much her family needs her and loves her. I pray that she wants to be there for them and be a good partner and mother. I pray for her salvation. I pray for my W and for her to make the best decisions for herself and our family.
Boy is it hard to pray for the AP but yes, I have started doing that as well.
My prayers have evolved over time, I no longer pray for "Please God, bring her back" but more now of "Help me to live with and accept your Will and so that I can be strong enough to live with what you have planned for me."
This was way different than in the beginning of this mess.
Use that "goldmine" information to propel yourself to greater heights and bedazzle W thus showing her a stark contrast between you and the OW. It works every single time.
Face forward, feet forward...eyes wide open.
Yep, W is feeling pressure from all corners. Not necessarily from you, but how long can she keep the plates spinning with the OW, land, real estate business, physical trainer's certificate training sessions, and find that sketchy apt.
Sit back and drink your strawberry flavored STFU smoothie while watching all of that unfold.
Wonka, drinking a gin and tonic and pretending it's a STFU strawberry smoothie. Not that it matters, I am not home. However, I am happy to watch the whole thing unfold... however it does...
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Not necessarily from you, but how long can she keep the plates spinning with the OW, land, real estate business, physical trainer's certificate training sessions, and find that sketchy apt.
Not necessarily from you, but how long can she keep the plates spinning with the OW, land, real estate business, physical trainer's certificate training sessions, and find that sketchy apt.
Such a perfect description
Love this guys! Thank you.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
I would add that you need to mix your DB techniques with taking on some "leadership" role in some areas. You remember how you took the 'lead' at one meeting and your W looked at you with a mixture of respect and awe.
That is what you would like to do more of here and there. You don't want to go to the one extreme and rub W the wrong way. Soft and strong. Slide back and forth on that scale.
Soft as in asking her for her opinions and being receptive to physical touches. Strong as in taking the lead on some areas.
I agree, Wonka... now that you mention it, our (my, really... but she is their stepmom) boys are moving into a new apartment tomorrow and Friday. I am going to manage the whole process from start to finish... she can help physically move stuff, but I'm taking charge. I know this will impress her. And as soon as they are moved in? I am headed out of town for four days to visit my mom. She doesn't know this yet, I will tell her at the last minute. And... I know this will confound her.
I don't plan to tell her when I am going to return, mostly because I don't want her inviting the OW over here. I know I can't control that completely, but I REALLY don't want that woman in my home ever again. Did I ever mention how she invited herself over the night we returned from a six day trip up and down the east coast a few weeks before the BD, wherein I cooked dinner for her and my W and the kids I hadn't seen in a week? I did it as the supportive spouse who was helping her wife "woo" a new client. In retrospect, I see how this woman had everything planned out way ahead of me, how she took advantage of my W's MLC and my inherent trust in our marriage...
Anyway, thanks again Wonka for the counsel. I will let you know how it goes!
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
