Need to stop pushing

[NDY]

Huddy, I'm not sure I understand what your question is. I've already explained things. Only NDY can interpret what some of those messages mean because he has to see them in the context of his W.

This is difficult as I don't really interact with her but I'll keep working on it.

And despite his challenges, I went through the same things before my M was saved. I was dealing with an MLC spouse and it was at least 3 years before she actually stopped spewing.

Not sure if this is encouraging or scary, especially for S9.

[Huddy]

3 years is a long, long, long time. You must have some resolve to put up with that for such a period.

[NDY]

Not sure I could go on that long TBH. S9 would be 12/13 by then. Poor kid is already scarred by this.

[Painter]

But do you think she would stop if you divorced? H and his ex continued to fight (she was angry and attacking, vindictive and used the kids as weapons, and he was too easily engaged and has his own anger issues) until the kids were 18. Today, one has no contact with her, the other sometimes talks.

When you want to protect your child, you have to find a way to make it work regardless if you're together or apart...

I'm so very sorry for what your son is going through. I've seen the damage it did to my stepkids.

[NDY]

Thanks Painter

Yes, I know I need to do 'something' to calm the anger but I really don't know what that is apart from dissolving.

I remember reading early on since BD that the WAS has been pondering leaving the M LONG before the LBS gets to hear about it. And that any recovery period (not just R) is about 3 months for every year (or something to that affect).

When I reflect back on the last 5 months, I realise that her resentment and anger run deep. As far as I can tell, this is only reflected on me. I don't know if this is affecting any other part of her life but never have I seen her unable to control herself in such a way. Clearly the issues run deep.

But as cadet once said, get out of the way. Well I'm trying to do just that. I really didn't want us to become the separated couple that can't be in the same room as each other but that's the way it's heading.

And the lovely DB friends on here advise to detach. Ok, that's fine for me but watching S9's life being turned upside down so dramatically at such a young age is tearing me apart. And yes, I don't care what people say but it still hurts like hell. My W and his Mother are not the same person. People often talk about what's right for YOU. And that's sound advice but I really have to priorities HIM.

It's all just a steaming pile of .....

But as there isn't much I can do I just need to be the best dad I can. Do not engage with her anger in front of S9 or any other time for that matter. This isn't me being scared or non confrontational I just realise there isn't any point in trying to talk down someone THIS irrational. And by that I don't mean to persuade her what she's doing is destructive and the wrong thing to do. She's been incapable of having a conversation with me for a while (except when she what cake eating, then she was happy).

[MrBond]

What you need to understand is not how long the situation was, but what amount of growth and change happened during that time. If your W is in an MLC, they can last anywhere from a few weeks to 7 years or more. So it's up to you what you do during that time that's important.

[NDY]

Hi Mr Bond. MLC or no the facts are staring me right in the face. She is in love with OM and my family is broken up. That's the short term. Medium term the implications are pretty horrendous for S9 and of course myself. I understand I can and will make a good life no matter what it just not the life I expected.

[Kembo05]

But as there isn't much I can do I just need to be the best dad I can. Do not engage with her anger in front of S9 or any other time for that matter. This isn't me being scared or non confrontational I just realise there isn't any point in trying to talk down someone THIS irrational. And by that I don't mean to persuade her what she's doing is destructive and the wrong thing to do. She's been incapable of having a conversation with me for a while (except when she what cake eating, then she was happy).

you nailed it bro. I think our situations are a little different, but my W tries to bait me into arguments and she tries to get me upset, conscious or sub-conscious, I think it is them doing it so they feel justified in their behavior. Remember detaching means not letting her affect your emotions; easier said than done.

[asitis]

On the S, I hear you and feel for you. It is one of the hardest things we have to deal with. I'm hurt, but generally OK with the impact on myself, but where the kids are concerned it is a whole other ball game.

Seriously consider some family therapy and IC for your S. He needs a place to work through his issues. Also, get down on the floor with him (figuratively if not literally) and just have fun. Tussle, tickle, joke, etc. This kind of activity allows them the safe space to start opening up to you and voice what he is feeling. It helps him, and you are better able to talk through what his fears and pains are.

You also might discuss w/ W that you have a strict rule about no arguments in front of your S. Have a pre-arranged signal that one of you is very angry and that you need to get away, then a pre-arranged means of bringing the problem back up. One trick is to have the angry one let you know briefly what you did or said that made that person angry before the end of 24 hours, and request a time & place to meet. The other person agrees. This has the advantage of letting everyone cool off anyway. Then when you do sit down to discuss it, practice listening and then repeating back (called closing the loop or just looping). One person talks, then the other tries to repeat it back as clearly as they can and ask if they have it right. The other person says yet or clarifies. The listener then loops again, and again, until the speaker agrees they have it right. Then you pause to check your feelings for a minute before you respond. It is sort of a peace conference. Everyone feels heard, feelings are checked along the way, and you limit the conflict to what is actually said rather than what you think you heard (often surprisingly different).

I've been trying this, and while my W & I don't fight much, thankfully, both of us have been happier with the results than our usual way of conflict.

On the length of time, only you can decide what is best for you and how long you will put up with it, but unless the W is going to walk away from your S, it isn't like a D will spare your S. Any unresolved issues you have right now will get worked out or not regardless of whether you go the D route or give it time. I want to throw my hands up and run away at times, but there is not getting out of the reality that you are in effect married to each other until your child leaves home for good even if you terminate the marriage. This is one of the realities that most of us have realized and that our WASs have not faced up to. They think they can run away and end the difficulties. Unfortunately, this self delusion sometimes ends up driving them to go through with the D before they wake up and see the reality of the sitch.

It [censored]. It truly does. It drives me crazy & I sometimes want to scream this reality at my wife: you can either work on rebuilding this marriage or you can do the same hard work without the payoff to co-parent with a broken family for the next X-Y years! Which sounds like a more reasonable plan? Then lots of STFU smoothies all around.

[NDY]

Hi Kem

Thing is. I know people that are manic depressives. I'm not getting melow dramatic here and my WW isn't a manic depressed person. I'm not in any way belittling that ailment. It's a horrific thing to suffer from but the behaviour patterns are so similar. Ok, WW only does this around me (I think) and I believe it's also temporary. But yes, perhaps it is designed to goad me or perhaps is an involuntary reaction to being around me. IDK. Sandi mentions just how deep the resentment the WW holds but also the level the addiction runs to. To its a double whammy I recon.

Anyway, enough about her. Venting is over. I on the other hand realised I was back sliding a bit so I've hit the weights, quit smoking and am currently making bolognese for the first time ever. Smells cracking. But I also have a pile of ironing and a washing on and it's 9:20 and I haven't showered yet. This is so that tomorrow I can clean the house, get out with an old pal on Friday then I get S9 the rest of the weekend and he's getting my undivided attention.