So just sharing a bit more of the journey ... thinking one day all these threads would be interesting to sit and read start to back.
W very talkative yesterday, TM throughout and sharing where she was, with whom, when she would be leaving ... not that I ask nor honestly care but I can see this is her way of trying to reassure me she is not 'misbehaving' ... to be honest the only OM/A thoughts I have are the past hurts and they are not often.
We discussed when we would have our talk (Retrouvaille homework every night .. 10 minute letter and a 10 minute sharing session) I am not pressing but would be discouraged if we did not do the work. I picked up S and went home, cooked for him and cooked some lunches for myself. W was to be over around 6:30, like I mentioned in the previous post she called 7:15 ish apologizing that she was late, fearful I was upset. I was'nt at all, I was busy trying to get everything cleaned up and set for today. She came by around 8 and we had our 'session'
The topic was what attracted us to our spouse. I found what she shared interesting. She shared that it was how stable I was, how stability is one of the priorities she needs in her life. Mentioned that I have been her rock from day one ... funny choice of words huh? ... Rock. I questioned this as back then I never considered myself a rock, I was young and a goof ball .. but she said while that was true she knew I would never just up and leave her, that I would always be there. The timer went off but we chose to continue to just talk, she shared her anxiety about her job search, money (Share more $$ problems ... thanks MLC) I STFU and listened, did not offer to fix the situations just heard her out. She told me she feels a fog is lifting but is still there, that she has a hard time keeping focused on just one thing for a time, when she prays she starts 'here' and ends up 'there' very quickly .. focus is a concern. She also shared that she extended the lease on the place she is in (I had named it the W/OM Lovenest) as tears welled in her eyes she said "I know you would never move in there with me but I am stuck there till May16" We expressed how moving in with each other was not something we were ready for at the moment but the air was cleared about leases (Mine is up in Sep15) and what some options were if we get to 'that' place ... I told her the place is less of a trigger, its in a good location, and the $$ is not bad and it might be a good place for a bit till we save to buy again (being open and not allowing the past to 'own' me). This put her at ease, but I was clear we are not 'there' yet, was nice to address it like adults, open and honest with no games. She then shared the IC/PT discussion she had, told me that she asked about things we are going through, that she wants help in the affection department ... I was surprised, seems W is more tuned to wanting to meet my needs than she ever has been before... the fact I shared these are needs and not wants seems to have planted a seed that is starting to take root.
We talked till about 9, nice and calm on my end .. she was a little stressed just with the Job issue that will be there till she finds work and has more of an idea of what to expect.
This morning I dropped off S, I could see some stress on her face, she asked why I took the dog, I told her she complains that he wakes her and she can not sleep and I wanted her to get some rest. She then started in on me about health insurance, I told her my meeting was today, then she demanded to know what time ... mini Monster came out. I stayed calm, left .. she later apologized for losing her temper, I take this for face value .. she is stressed about her life, so much on her plate ... all her circus and her mess to clean up I will continue to go about what I am doing.
I do catch myself thinking after these events if she can ever be the wife I truly need, one who can fill my needs as its just not natural for her, I am skeptical at this point but then think of all the changes I made and how she is skeptical of those ... time will tell .. I am not so focused on deadlines any longer, God has this and me all figured out so I just hope to see the signs and do what I should ... and I am at peace with that.
