Has W been in IC? If so, has she explored her fear of anger issue there? I ask because my W is terrified that I will get explosively angry, even though I never have. I have had anger issues, but it was more a quick trigger of irritability, pushing away, or even a subtle put down. Not good, but...
Her father while generally very mild-mannered would occasionally go off into uncontrolled rages where he would spew all kinds of nastiness. This terrified my W and her sister & mother into walking on eggshells, being overly attentive to his needs, and not making their own needs known clearly. My W still doesn't trust me despite a lot of progress on my anger issues, but it is in part because of her issues with her father and fear of any signs of anger being a sign of impending explosions. No matter what I do, until she comes to grips with that, there will be issues of trust.
Just raising a possibility that you look at her family of origin for anger issues that may be part of the issue.
She has ... she was in IC when the MLC hit Stage2, HORRIBLE IC ... with her "You should do whatever makes you happy" approach ... even if that means OM. I have shared the MC appt with her but will save that for now. She moved on from her and has been in and out with different IC's but recently she is really starting to look inward and is trying to go to her childhood to understand the whys and hows of her issues. Currently she is seeing a priest and another IC/Physical therapist ... I recommended the particular priest (She asked) and I have met the IC/PT and came away with a very positive vibe. What you descibe came up, she realizes she is sensitive about this, noticed her mom is the same way, shared a story last night about how she placed a hand on her moms shoulder and the old woman almost had a heart attack ... very high strung family and she realizes its less me (Though easier to blame someone else right?) and a good deal of her which she needs to start dealing with. Example ... last night she was going to come over to my place at 6:30 ... she was talking to a fried, the friend is a talker and she did not get out till late, on the freeway and called .. 7:15, she was terrified I was mad, I was calm ... actually noticed she was late but was cooking and calm, figured she would get there when she got there if at all .. no big, I learned her I can not control her. She expressed she needs to deal with this anxiety as it was all on her end because I obviously was not mad at her. Now in her defense ... there were times I would take this as disrespect and be upset ... but I am kinda over trivial things like that. So yeah .. we both have pegged the MIL as the origin and now its a matter of trying to deal with how to get over that hurdle.
