Drinking too much and too often is my biggest fault. I was at my worst 5 or 6 years ago, but I still would go out from time to time now (sometimes once every couple months, sometimes 2 weeks in a row). It slowly eroded her. It was a cyclical problem. I did not do it all the time, but when I did, it ended in an argument. I felt I should be allowed to go out with my friends, and she did not appreciate we did it at the bar til all hours of the night. More recent, though it quit ending in an argument, but I was not going out or drinking as much, and attributed it to that.
As our marriage deteriorated, which was a gradual deterioration, we both distanced ourselves from each other. I sensed her distancing, so I did too in response. As I felt more insecure in our relationship, I became controlling. I started snooping. The trust between both of us faded. I felt I was losing her, but did everything wrong. She essentially gave up, and instead dove into her escape, which is playing the piano, guitar and singing. She performs at local wineries and festivals and is very talented. I enjoy listening to her sing and being her "roadie". I did have a problem when every weekend she had a gig. I am not saying I didn't support her, because I did, I just felt that we needed time to do other things as a family in addition. Every other weekend worked. She backed off of her bookings, but I know she resented it. This also led to invitations for her to join bands which I was strongly against. She was already spending a lot of time working on her solo music, to add playing in a band with band practice and then performances was something I was against. She realized the time commitment and logistics of it, but I think still wanted it. It also carried over into our home life. On days she didn't work, I would come home, the house was a mess, and she was in playing the piano or guitar. It frustrated me and I did not hide it.
Our three kids are very active as well. We are constantly running them somewhere. I have coached baseball for 7 or 8 years. Our daughter is very active in gymnastics and needs run to practice 3 times a week a half hour away. I work full time 6 days a week. My wife cut back to one day a week while our kids were at home, but once they all got to school, she has been working more and is almost full time now. I make a point to meet her for lunch whenever I can swing it, usually at least once a month. We went out to dinner, we got babysitters, we did things together. But for her there was always a "cloud" over us. I didn't see it. I had fun with her and cherished our time together alone. I loved our time together as a family, too, but knew we needed to do things together as a couple.
So now, there is no good in our marriage in her eyes, only bad. She can't or won't acknowledge it. Maybe it was 15 years of hell for her. She has dealt with depression in the past, and was on medicine for a while, which she quit because it caused her to gain weight. I would suspect she is still dealing with it, but I have not brought it up. Anything I say is "manipulative". We have poor communication. We never resolved our past issues. Stupidly I thought we had though. She kept them pent up until they finally erupted. She is very resentful and bitter. Her heart is hardened towards me. Since, I have tried changing the way I communicate with her. I do validate her feelings, I speak in a calm voice. I don't want to brush it under the rug. We need to address it and try to fix it. Maybe we can't, but we won't know until we try. She asked to before and I wasn't receptive, and now she doesn't want to try. I hope in time she will.
