Summer of Growth and Acceptance

[V2pt0]

I did not text him, though we did have a conversation about a lot of things this morning. I tried to just listen and validate H's concerns. Below are some key points, some of what gets to your point about tone and controlling.

1) H is still really upset about my indicating to his sister that we are having problems. We had agreed to not say anything to family and he feels I went back on my word and it causes trust issues with him. Same with me telling my mom. I understand his perspective and told him as much. I do thing he is taking this to an extreme, but his feelings and perceptions are his and I can't argue if that is how he feels. He made it clear he thinks this was a very selfish on my part, but what is new?

2) The tone I am taking in speaking or texting H is causing negative perceptions. He says everything I say comes off as accusatory and negative, so this causes him to shut down and not want to interact with me. I do think this is true and is a case of me wanting to turn the knife a bit with him out of my own hurt and anger. Can you say attachment? Example, the text I sent regarding my parents upcoming visit. I said I gather you will not want to be involved with their stay, but let's me know if I am mistaken. He would have expected me to say I woulf like you to be involved with visit are you interested in doing anything? I guess this is the problem with LRT. I feel saying it that way would be pursuing. I will be more conscientious on my delivery from now on.

3) In general, he is saying the actions I am taking speak louder than words and they are not helping our situation or his perception of how our marriage could be. This is why he feels he cannot talk to me.

I am taking some of this on board and will make some changes in my behavior based on his feedback.That being said, it is very clear that he is completely unwilling to have any self reflection on his own actions right now and does not see how he up is also doing things that don't contribute to building trust. If I could not tell he was going to be receptive to what I was saying, I backed off.

The worst of it is that I did get really emotional at one point. I would not saying I was begging or pursuing, but more being vulnerable and trying to show empathy with how he felt during our M. H felt very neglected, unloved, ignored and lonely for a very long time. These are all of the emotions I feel now, so I certainly do empathize with my H. I explained this to him this morning and said I am so sorry I ever made you feel this way. Of course I was crying through out this. I also said it was hard feeling like I was losng the most important person in my life. H was affected by this and gave me a big hug. Said to stop beating myself up. Was happy my parents were coming so I would not be so lonely. I don't like that he might look at this as being all as me being weak or pathetic.

Other than the last bit, I tried to stay calm and not argue, though I think I did in a few spots. I said it is difficult to navigate this and I am sure I will make other mistakes. I am trying to listen to as much if this as possible, without taking everything on he said as truth. That is hard though.

Not my best DB moment I am sure as far as the emotion part. Hard feeling everything I do these days and prior is wrong. I know I have to detach from this and realize that part his him and where he is and not necessarily all me.

Ready for some very constructive feedback.