I have been lurking for the past month or so, and I have finally decided to share my story. My wife and I have been married for almost 15 years. We have 3 wonderful children, D11, S10, and S7. I am a "great dad" (her words), but could have been a better husband. To cut to the chase, our biggest and most common fight was when I would go out with friends drinking, sometimes too often and sometimes to excess. I do not consider myself an alcoholic, but realize that I at times drank too much. My group of friends were what I would consider heavy social drinkers and I was one of them. It may sound dumb, but I never realized how much I hurt her. My wife would get mad at me, and I took it as that, she was mad. I never understood that she was also hurt, felt abandoned, felt disrespected, etc. To top it all off, she now thinks I cheated on her with one of our friends. I didn't, but know I didn't do myself any favors by being out late. We live in a small town and rumors spread. Now there is one about me. I have heard things about her, which I know are not true, but when you have friends of the opposite sex, it allows the opportunity for them to start. It blows. Unfortunately for me, it took her telling me she was done before I finally opened my eyes. So for the past two months I have been trying to save my marriage, one day at a time. I know I have made mistakes along the way (reasoning, taking too much, even pleading). So although I have read everything on Cadets welcome reply, the Divorce Remedy, as well as a lot of other outside things, I am coming to you for help and support.
I think one area where I am stuck is that my situation is a little different than most I have read. A lot of what my wife tells me are things that would tell me she is having an affair. ILYBIANILWY, she needs space, she is very private with her phone, etc. Maybe I am just completely blind, but there is just not the opportunity for it. The secrecy more involves the advise she is getting from a small group of friends, with what I would call a ringleader pushing her to end it. This ringleader has been "friends" with my wife ever since we got married (my wife moved to my hometown when we got married), but that friendship had eroded until this winter. They started talking a lot more and that is when our downhill fall started. She does not like me nor I her. So my problem isn't another man, maybe my wife is considered wayward, but it is a different kind of waywardness.
I've been "investigated" which is where the rumor arose. I have been accused of being a gambling addict, a sex addict, among other things. I am not. I brought this up at marriage counseling at one point and she said she doesn't remember saying that. She did. The minimal amount of things that I am aware this "investigation" has turned up is from years ago and untrue, misremembered, or already known. For instance, my SIL was asked if I was ever inappropriate. Her response was no, but one time 10 or 11 years ago I sent her an email that said "I had a dream about you last night." She called my brother who confronted me and I told him, "Don't worry about it" or "wouldn't you like to know." I didn't remember it and neither did he, but I went back and found the email. It's subject was 'Thinking about you' and the message did say 'I had a dream about you last night'. Also attached were 5 pictures of my wife and I giving our two month old son a bath. My SIL was nine months pregnant at the time with their first child. I don't remember sending it, could have maybe worded it better, but I don't see how it could be any more innocent. I forwarded it to everybody, but never heard one thing about it after. At least this instance I still had proof.
At the same time, I don't want to minimize my faults in getting our marriage to the place it is now. I know I bear the brunt of the blame for where we are at. I own that and have been working on myself immensely. I was never one to look for outside help. I kept my emotions to myself. My wife did suggest marriage counseling in December which I foolishly refused. I wish I had. I was selfish in my desire to go out drinking with the boys. I usually never went until everyone was in bed so I wasn't taking time from my family. Flawed thinking I know, but I can't change it. I made mistakes. I am not perfect. One of the counselors I went to told me, "You guys F'd up the past, un-F the future." I am ready and able for that, but right now she can't let go of the past.
Our situation right now is the same as it was 2 months ago. BD was April 25th. We still live in the same house, sleep in the same bed, parent our kids together. There is no sex. My wife says she does not love me. We both went to marriage counseling together twice and I have gone alone twice. I have seen two different IC's. Detaching is hard, but I have tried very hard to. I have done some 180's. I think they started for her but now realize they are for me. I am happier with myself than I have been, maybe ever. I have changed. She sees it and acknowledges it, but thinks it's fake and that I am just "playing a game." At one point she wanted to separate and maybe still does. I told her that I did not want that, but would grant if she needed it because I loved her. It was her choice, not mine. I can't make her stay, but I am also not leaving. I am fighting for our marriage. Maybe it's too late. When we talk she tells me she "can't keep doing this." I agree. So what are our choices? I did ask for the courtesy of her letting me know if she was going to file for divorce. I do not want to be blindsided by it. She told me she does not want to file for divorce. Every time we talk it devolves into the same old thing. I try not to let it, but she can't let it go. I understand it will take time, and for now I have been granted it. All I can do is keep working on myself and be patient.
So here I am today, with all of my flaws, hoping for for a chance at reconciliation. I don't know if I will get it, but I want to be able to say I did everything I could to get it. I love her.
