WAS or what (2)

[roist]

The last thread is almost full so it is time for a new one. Thanks to MrBond I will be starting this thread with a different focus.

First thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2562235#Post2562235

I have thought hard about what I have been doing, what specific actions I have taken to improve me and my situation. I am sure that I am not remembering every thing I have done in the last six months, but I was surprised I haven't done more. Maybe a lot of my work has been to keep my head above water and not actually going somewhere. That being said you need the head above water

I listened to a lot of podcasts, u tube videos and read tons of websites about saving M etc. I even put podcasts on mp3 to listen to while working.

Here are some of my actions:
# GRUMPY. I was grumpy. Before I reacted a lot to many things by grumpy remarks or growling answers. More defensive than aggressive. A part from one or two slips, I now react positively and lightheartedly to the same situations. Sometimes I only manage to not react negatively but even that is an improvement.
# kids. I am less tolerant and maybe firmer with the boys. Unfortunstelybeing stressed I often interacted with them grufly or loadly. Anyone with kids has done that but looking back I did it constantly.since no matter how bad I am I try to only tract with love and understanding.and if I do raise my tone it is due to their behaviour and not my mood. I am now much more patient than before and more than my W.
# before I wasn't overly enthusiastic about doing anything. Now I want to do more and more.
# I didn't live the moment. I always was lost elsewhere in my thoughts.I still struggle with that due to M situation, but I actively try to live in the moment now. I am improving and this has greatly helped me when with my sobs.
# My GAL activities include sport (weights, fitness, running, cycling) and have entered an adventure race in two weeks time as a team of two with a friend.I have also rekindled friendships and widened slightly my social circle. There us room for improvement but I am going towards people more than ever. I hope to join a club (swimming/triathlon) later in the year. I also have been active with many projects around the house/garden.
# before I felt like an observer in my own life, and not a participant. My W mentioned something like that too a few months ago. I had the impression my W was pushing Mr out of doing stuff too or rather she wanted to handle it on her own. But I accept this is my problem and for me to solve. I am making good progress but have more to do.
# communication. This was always not a great skill of mine. I was often lacking when my W wanted to talk. It was not lack of interest. I was just bad at it and during depression even worse. After I snapped out of depression I was willing and able to communicate about anything. Reality hit in then. What my W needed before she didn't want from me now. Being an important issue I had put it as one of my goalsas per DR, but slackened off on it due to rules/advice here.
#Before I had gone cold due to feeling rejected. After my awakening I reinitiated touching. Eg when on couch I would have hand on her lap etc. For better or words I stopped this as it is pursuing. I am having doubts about that but will follow advice here. But it felt like I was let do it as opposed to any initiation by W.

I am hard on myself and have low self esteem. I realise this and am trying to improve it. But that does let me see my failings and my part in this story.

I'm sure there is more I could add, but hopefully that is enough for Mrb or anyone else to assess what I am doing. By even writing this helped me see that I am not doing everything I can. I think it is time to restart trying stuff to see what works.