Sorry about my absence. I was mad but then extremely busy. Work has taken most of my time these days. Sometimes I wonder why so many people are so sick. We have a ton of patients, a lot of them are people with diabetes. Crazy, most of these folks were not born with diabetes.
Anyway. After being so mad about the whole fiasco on my birthday. I end up the week in a good note.
Last Friday, I was in my way to meet two girl friends for a Happy Hour in Boulder. So, I dressed up, put a nice make up and just like GG, had my high hills on.
I was driving in a large and long avenue when I noticed that there was a truck driving very slow. When it got closer, I noticed that it was H's truck. He drove beside me most of the way. The avenue becomes one way street at some point and I merged just behind H.
I kept saying to myself "Let Go", and that's what I did. I drove behind him and then went my way. I did nothing to call his attention and just ignored it.
Had a good GAL, after the Happy Hour we went to a hotel were a Brazilian band was playing. We danced a lot. Met some friends, laughed, had a lot of fun. I met a friend that invited us to go somewhere else to dance a little more and we did, it was super, we danced and had fun until 12:30am.
On Saturday morning I went to my Zumba class. Wow, got a good sweat. After zumba, went for a coffee with a friend. She said really good things about me, it was nice to hear that.
Saturday night had dinner out with the kids.
On Sunday, got a call from a friend asking me to go hiking. So, I put my clothes and stuff in a car and went to church first. Met some friends and we decided to talk a little more. Went to a burger place where we hanged out for a little over two hours.
After that I went with my friend to the Chachaqua mountain for a good hiking time. It was really good.
On sunday was Father's Day, so the kids were hanging out with their dad. I left a gift and a father's day card for him.
It was getting late so I text S21 and he said that H was still at the house. I did not have a choice but face the inevitable. Once home, I wished him a Happy Father's day and went on doing my things.
H came to talk. Asked how I was doing. Then he said that he would like to go out sometime during the week and talk. I asked what about, if he wanted to talk about some stuff about the D and he said that not at all. He said that he would like to talk about us, life and the universe.
I looked at him and said that I think it is better for myself if we do not go out. That we did talk before, that I understood his choices and respect it and that we do not have anything to talk about. That I am fine with the life I have.
H got emotional, had tears in his eyes and went to the restroom. In the mean time I noticed a note with my name on it placed right were I have my angel in the kitchen.
Yes, I am Latina. I have a nice angel...and on father's day I put some fresh red roses and lighted a candle for the only father I have...God. I read the note and it said:
"Dear Cira, I hope that you had a Happy Birthday last week. I really do want to speak with you, if you could let me know when we could meet somewhere? I hope that you and your family in Brasil are doing well. Love, H"
I decided not to react to the note, instead I became distant. I spoke a little more with H. He said several time of how I am wonderful, that I am very beautiful.
H told me about his next trip and that he is going to visit his parents, we talked about my sister. H noticed that my grass is not very green and asked me to open the sprinkler system and I said that it is my responsibility now and I would do when I have some time.
Well friends, I treated H with respect, I spoke calmly and without any anger. I did not react to anything and spoke sometimes as I am already divorced. He was a good neighbor. H said things about us and I was not impressed.
It was all the same stuff. But I am learning to detach, to let go, to forget. I agree with V and all of you that it is time to Let go. H does not love me anymore and I need to face it the way it is.
I don't feel bad. I don't feel good either. I just don't even know what I feel anymore. Sometimes I think I want him back, I miss him, I feel very said and it hurts a lot. But, sometimes I don't want him back, I feel in peace with myself, I feel I can breath and I don't hurt as much.
Right now, I really don't have any idea of how I feel. But for sure I know that H is gone and is not coming back.
We will have mediation on july 9th, depending of how much we agreed, then the next time in court will be our final D. And then, I want H as far as he can from me. I do not want him around me anymore, I will be done for good with all of this.
I am good and I am bad. I am in the middle of the tornado. I know it will pass, I know it leaves a lot of destruction. But I also know that once it is done, I can finally pick up the pieces and throw it in a trash.
