Life as a new LBS

[shnswms]

So I don't understand. Is she seeing someone else or not?

I honestly don't know. There are suspicions but no proof.

"Her criticisms of me were I had become a homebody, didn't go to enough family functions or social gatherings,"

Was this true?

Yes, it is true. Something I am trying to work on now. I have been going out with her family and reconnecting with friends.

"I didn't help enough around the house (something I had greatly increased since first talk), and spent too much time on entertainment."

What kind of entertainment? Was this true?

Yes, this is also true. I was known to get wrapped up in the computer, video games, and television.

"My criticisms were she nagged all the time,"

You know, instead of seeing it as "nagging" did you ever think that she just tried to get you to listen and you would just blow her off, therefore she would have to increase her talks to you and you kept seeing it as "nagging".

Entirely possible. I think I had more of an issue with the way it would escalate to verbal abuse and put downs. In response, I would respond in a less than positive way.

"obsessive compulsive traits with cleaning,"

Was she diagnosed with OCD? If not, and if you're not a physician, that's just your poor opinion of her. If she really has OCD, then you should understand that it's a "disorder" and not something that is stopped easily if you don't understand it.

She has not been diagnosed with OCD. She will not seek help. I work in psychiatry so I can see the traits in her. I would consider it more of a obsessive compulsive personality disorder, as opposed to the full blown ocd. She had set up an appointment with a doctor a week prior to this to get on medications for anxiety and this. Not sure what the outcome of this was or if she even went

"emotionally distant,"

In what way? Did you ever think that maybe she was "distant" because you didn't listen to her which caused her to "nag" you, and eventually because you didn't listen, she just shut down?

I would talk about my accomplishments at work or my day. She would barely acknowledge me. I would ask about her day at work or plans for the week and she would be vague or guarded. I think she did emotionally shut down because I didn't listen. I think after the first separation talk, I had made a real effort to work on this. Too little, too late I guess.

"poor communication,"

Give an example.

She would constantly make plans, not involving me, and only tell me until a few hours prior of her leaving for said plans. Sometimes this would turn into overnight stays, a couple days away. She would not be honest about her feelings or speak about them.

"always starting fights,"

Starting fights or just trying to make her point across after she felt you weren't listening.

I think our frustrations had gotten to the point where all the interaction we had was conflict. It would start as soon as she walked in the door. I would try to hold up my end and clean more, help out around the house more. She would always find a way to find something wrong with the way I had tried to help. This resulted from previous years of neglect on my part, which I fully acknowledge and told her.

"and stubborn to a fault."

Was she always like this? From what I've seen of your description, your "problems" with her are all linked together. And because you still seem very dismissive of them, it doesn't sound like you've changed anything about them. Is this true?

Definitely, still a work in progress. I really don't want to be dismissive of them. I think the hurt and pain is still so new. I made mistakes in our marriage. I tried to correct them after the first separation talk. I didn't fix them all but made an effort.