I feel like this is over. She shows no desire to come back. She is living it up with no thought to the future. She has hurt so many with her actions. I have no idea what is going on with her. I wonder if there could be a OM?? Why on earth would she want to spend so little time with S? It's all very scary but I can handle it. I feel like I need to tell her that it's time to make some decisions. That it's time she move all of her stuff out. I know it goes against what you guys believe but I feel like I need to get on with life!
I feel like I need to tell her that it's time to make some decisions.
Like your W, my W shows no desire to come back. She is living it up with no thought to the future. She has hurt so many with her actions.
my question is: why do you need to need to tell her that it's time to make some decisions? Why do you need to consult with her at all? You can and should make your own decisions and you *certainly* do not need to consult her on them.
furthermore, it does not matter what we believe. The star is inside of you.
I feel like this is over. She shows no desire to come back. She is living it up with no thought to the future. She has hurt so many with her actions. I have no idea what is going on with her. I wonder if there could be a OM?? Why on earth would she want to spend so little time with S? It's all very scary but I can handle it. I feel like I need to tell her that it's time to make some decisions. That it's time she move all of her stuff out. I know it goes against what you guys believe but I feel like I need to get on with life!
What is your goal with this? What is your ultimate goal? Is this getting you closer to your goal?
What do you mean by "getting on with your life"? If you want to file for divorce, nobody is going to stop you. But is that what you really want?
One of the things that came up a couple times is reading the furniture as a sign that this is for the long haul. I'd say that you should expect that it is for the long haul, as it never goes as fast as we think it should, but the furniture isn't a sign that she is at the point of no return.
No matter what, she's likely not staying in her sister's place for the long haul. It is just a temporary stop over. Yet, she dragged all that stuff over there. She isn't thinking things through. Matt's post on WAWs explains why they aren't thinking things through with the big picture or perspective in mind, acting impulsively, making decisions based largely on emotions, etc. The furniture is just part of this.
On the showing no signs, what signs are you expecting? What are your babysteps that you are looking for? Don't expect a quick turn around to "I'm sorry, I made a mistake and I want to work to save our M," or "I've been thinking I was a bit rash and would like to talk." Frankly, that kind of honest, self-reflective apology may never be forthecoming, but even something that is a clear sign will likely take a lot longer than you are expecting even if you double or tripple or quintuple your expectations. That's why MWD says you need those babystep goals to look for.
Don't worry about how f*ed up her sisters are. There are likely some family of origin issues that your W will need to deal with in IC (something you might think about asking her to do as a later part of reconciliation if you get to that point, so that you build an M that is less likely to go this way again). Her sisters' Hs almost certainly didn't handle it the way you are. They almost certainly lacked the tools you have (DBing, the forum, etc.). Were they the types to stand up in their sitch, make the hard changes, take responsibility for their kids, and give their Ws the space to work through their sh*t? I strongly suspect there will be a lot of no answers if you look at it.
We all feel at times like throwing in the towel, getting off the ride because it is hopeless. Will that be good for your S? Will life get any easier? You'll still be dealing w/ her for a long time to come given the kid. Is it that you really are hurting and missing the companionship of a W? Is it that you wish to move on and have other Rs to give your the soothing and comfort you are missing? If so, that's a band aid that will not solve the problems. It [censored]. It really [censored] at times. We all feel hopeless at times. It does pass. I don't see any recent changes that suggest you are at the point of giving up unless you have decided that it is not worth pursuing. Only you can make that call.
Maybe focus a bit more on what you are doing for GAL. You clearly have your S a lot, and that and worrying about the M is very emotionally draining. We need some things to fill the tank from time to time. A bit of time away. Something that brings us personal fulfilment (a hobby or place or people) to rejuvenate. Single parenting is really, really tough. Are you getting the time you need away? What would it take to get that?
Good luck!
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Hang in there Matt. Believe me I know how hopeless it can feel at times.
I too am getting closer and closer to giving up and throwing in the towel, but when I get those feelings I snap that rubber band across my wrist. Snap.
Yes, we can decided to divorce at any time. It's up to us to make that final call. But is today that day? Hold on my friend.
Thanks, I have no desire to enter another relationship. I don't think the fact that I am being treated unfairly bothers me that much. It's more the fact that she is treating everyone else involved so poorly. It makes me pretty mad! As far as GAL, I have been so busy it's crazy. I make sure we are doing at least a few days a week. Not much down time! The furniture is still there, not sure when it will actually leave. I won't miss it. I'd like to get more stuff out of the house to do some projects and painting. I'm planning on having the house looked at by a realtor just to get an idea of where I stand. Right now I can make it but it's tight. It's our anniversary Sunday, boy what a joyous day that will be. I think she will just get a text Sunday morning, happy anniversary
Just noticed something kind of weird, I was looking at our texts for a date on a baseball thing. All our texts are gone from mid April when she left till last week. I don't know if she could somehow erase them from my phone? Or why she would, just kind of weird. Oh, and I think maybe one big reason I have started feeling this way is because of my therapist, she seems to be pushing me towards getting out. I know that s@cks.
Just noticed something kind of weird, I was looking at our texts for a date on a baseball thing. All our texts are gone from mid April when she left till last week. I don't know if she could somehow erase them from my phone? Or why she would, just kind of weird. Oh, and I think maybe one big reason I have started feeling this way is because of my therapist, she seems to be pushing me towards getting out. I know that s@cks.
I'm not sure how she could delete texts on your phone....?
I didn't think she could but they are gone??? Not that it matters.
Weird. I wouldn't think that's possible unless your accounts are linked. Even then, I would think once they are in your phone you would have to delete them from the individual device. Who knows...
