You need to stay interested, but cool, until you are absolutely convinced that your spouse's renewed interest in saving your marriage has taken hold. Once you feel absolutely sure that this is so, you can test the waters by becoming more obvious about your desire to stay together. You can try discussing your future together and see what happens. If your spouse is receptive, you can continue to move forward slowly and begin to tackle the issues that drove you apart in the first place. If, on the other hand, you're met with reluctance, backpedal just as quickly as you can. Resume your interested but distant stance until things move in a more positive direction. This might take a whole lot longer that you would like, weeks, even months. However, you must be patient. As long as your spouse seems to be somewhat interested rather than pulling away, it's okay for your marriage to be in a holding pattern. It will try your patience, but what else do you have to do right now that could be as important as trying to save your marriage? Be patient
GB, I am a huge proponent of a nuanced approach to pursuit and distance. It certainly makes sense and is inline with MWD's writings above. However, my big concern is MWD's line about being "absolutely convinced that your spouse's renewed interest in saving your marriage has taken hold." Outside of a few guilt-driven TM's, I have no evidence STBX wants to save MR. The only hard evidence I have on anything is that she wants to end MR, albeit possibly reluctantly. (She filed for D on 06/03 and served me on 06/19). It seems like she is a bit distracted right now by her friend being in town.
But, I know this is no exact science. My goal is try to save my MR, my family, and myself.
Well, your wife isn't exactly the first part of the last resort technique either as she never really fit the description of "your spouse has said to you in no uncertain terms that s/he wants to get a divorce and it appears as if s/he really means it". She's been wishy washy on the whole thing, waited until he last minute to tell you, was apologetic and blame her attorney for setting the deadline as if she had no choice. This isn't the standard "I hate you and could absolutely never see myself with you ever again because OM is my soulmate and twice the man you'll ever be" situation.
That's why we have to discuss these things on the forum as Michelle isn't here to give her recommendations so we can only try to guess what that recommendation would be:
I think we can all agree that your wife does, at least, satisfy the requirements of the first stanza of LRT, Step 3, sub paragraph 2 to wit:
Originally Posted By: WMD
S/he might start showing more interest in you, your whereabouts, and what you are up to in your life. Your spouse might even suggest you spend some time together to talk or do something enjoyable. It's also possible that your spouse might start asking you a lot of questions about your sudden changes. If any of these things begin to happen, here's my advice:
Be loving in return, but not overly excited or enthusiastic. Accept some invitations to spend time together, but not all. Do not ask any questions about your future together. Be vague when asked questions about the changes in you. Say that you are just thinking things through. Continue to be upbeat. Do not say, "I love you" Resist getting into conversations about your marriage. Beat your spouse to the punch when it comes time to leave or separate from each other at the end of an activity. You set the tone for going your separate ways.
I'd say you haven't been very "loving in return" recently nor are you accepting some invitations to spend time together.
I think you should also check out the Michelle's article "The Medium is in the Message" and maybe apply that by sending your wife a message to download another app that might let you two communicate better or have some fun goofy communications, like snapchat or KiK. Then you have an excuse to be a iittle goofy while getting acclimated to the new app. The beautiful thing about a something like snapchat is your short little fun video goes poof after she watches it twice. It's giving her a "dose" of fun you...that she doesn't get to save. It's an excuse to communicate with her without any other agenda other than perhaps the app will be a nice thing to send quick video's of your kid back and forth without filling up your phone storage with huge video files.
On the other hand, I think always utilizing the dead pan hug is a mistake EXCEPT as it relates to exiting an interaction with your wife. When you first see her she should get all sorts of warmth from you but like the plan above, when you end an activity you set the tone for going your separate ways by pulling out the distancing stuff.
How do you feel about Michelle's list above?
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
