Saw this post in BW's thread (I think) and wondered how you are doing in this regard.
Originally Posted By: CaliGuy
Yeah .. its frustrating, it truly is. We can not control the WAS, can not snap them out of it ... in a way they are ahead of us as they have detached long before BD or leaving. The thing that killed me was the changes, I made em and she like you said couldn't see them ... truth is, she seen them but never trusted they were real nor would they stick. Even now .. 2 years after my W is still gun shy over the anger issue, an issue I constantly must work on.
How are you handling the anger issue? What changes have you made in this regard? Trying to keep you on alert and mindful of this potential pitfall of yours.
I am not saying that you can't ever get angry again...just how you present and/or express yourself during those moments.
We discussed it, and honestly with the Retrouvaille weekend I have been able to communicate this part better even on the touchy subjects.
Some of it was her misperception, she is extremely sensitive to it, but she shared that I have made tremendous changes, in 3 big areas, Listening (STFU Smoothies), sharing my feelings (Easier when I write them and do not get interrupted by her) And the anger ... I may get frustrated ... but hiding buttons, understanding she was purposely trying to get me to take bait ... HUGE so I seldom blow up like I did when I just had zero understanding of the MLC she was in.
The fact she is actually .. dare I say happy ... does not hurt. I am typically a happy positive person, however that German blood in me ... takes a bit to get me to that point .. when I am mad .. its mad for three days .. well used to be that way. I read NMMNG and realized I was upset for not having my needs met .. expecting her to fill them though I never stated what I needed from her. Not really fair .... learned alot about myself in the past 2 years
Finding my faith has helped tremendously aswell. I am not constantly on edge now .. was like I was a walking pressure cooker and could only handle a few more issues then I would blow .. now I feel like an empty crockpot ... easy bake, no pressure .. simpler
So now ... as of late the boundaries were the first step, not letting her at the buttons, more at peace with me and who I am, faith, and just the fact I am not that man any more. Sure there will be times I am going to be upset ... but I have learned the hard lesson that blowing up causes more damage than what I am upset about. I shared that I want my W to feel safe with me, sure I am upset about the A and what she did ... but we will work through it .. I am better at expressing myself now.
