Our 21st wedding anniversary is this Thursday we were suppose to go for a ride last night as S is gone and never heard from him. On Sunday he was talking about getting bigger pool next year etc. It is so confusing.
You really have to take what they way w/a grain of salt because they are emotionally all over the place. Sure, he's talking about a bigger pool right now, but tomorrow he could be talking about something else. Listen and validate. Actions speak louder than words.
Also, he may say he wants to go for a ride and if something more interesting comes along, he's going to run w/that activity. Just like a teenager, no thought of how the other person feels and it's whatever floats their boat at that given time.
Don't rely on him for anything. Trust your instincts. If he shows up to do what he was talking about, then fine...but keep those expectations at zero as much as possible so that you aren't disappointed or hurt.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Yeah I hear you and I know better it is just really hard to do. I know I am doing much better then I was in the beginning but I have a ways to go.
Thanks for all the encouragement. I did text H and tell him that if he had other plans all he needed to do was say. I probably shouldn't have I did because I felt it wasn't fair to suggest we do something and then never follow thru and I think I wanted to let him know that it is not ok to do that.
Got text from H and he told me I had a snotty attitude because I had text asking what was up because we were suppose to go riding and he didn't text and we had left it that we would see after I got off work so I text an hour latter that if he had other plans he should have just said. I didn't mean it to be snotty but I didn't feel it was right that he didn't answer. I guess I should have known better.
I did tell him that on Sunday he had text me asking me what is going on and I didn't see text for 40 minutes and so he text me and said "Okay, good enough. and when I got it I called him and said oh I didn't see your text and didn't tell him that his text was snotty.
It just seems so ridiculous. I am sure I did not handle this the best but I just finally said Ok and let it go.
Just my 2 cents, but I'd consider making plans with some close friends who can give you support on your anniversary. You H is not your H right now, he is being consistently inconsiderate and treating you poorly (think how much fun your H will be celebrating an M he finds suffocating - I wouldn't be looking forward to that given how sh*tty he has been on less symbolic occasions), and he is throwing his power as the WAS/MLC around. This is part of the boundaries. I think you should (your choice of course) to have enough respect for yourself to draw the line at how you will be treated. You also might consider making plans for your anniversary wo/ your H as one step in shifting the power dynamic. He needs to face reality that you are moving on with or without him, that you will not sit around waiting for him to text or show up, that you have a life independent of him.
The other advantage of that last part is that not everything an MLC does is because of their MLC. A lot of couples lose themselves in the tiny little bubble of the M & family. This may even be one of the triggers for the MLC. He isn't facing this squarely or healthily, but it doesn't mean that it isn't an issue that might be addressed. If he has felt like he lost himself, then both of you need to show that you can grow and develop outside the M (preferably in healthy ways - which remains to be seen for your MLC H). GAL and signalling to him that you are not trying to draw him back into an R that feels suffocating may help. It will certainly help you regardless, as you may have to if your H goes to D & you will have a healthier M if you don't make so much of your world revolve around it. At least that's the theory.
I know it's hard. I still struggle not to orient my life around my MLC W. It still feels awkward and unnatural to try to make plans like I'm a single person so that I'm not waiting around for her to throw me a bone. I'm not a natural socializer and most of my friends are married & have kids, so it is difficult to have people that can do the kinds of things I was suggesting. Even if it is every once in a while that you are successful getting out w/ friends, that will send a message and help you detach. If you can't find friends, consider going to a movie by yourself, going to the museum, seeing if a local spa can squeeze you in for a massage or other pampering treatment that you'd enjoy. Anything you would enjoy that would allow you to tell H "Sorry, I have plans" or "Oh, you didn't text me to indicate we were still on, so I went ahead and made plans." If he asks, you can just give him a look and say "Really?" If he pushes, tell him that you don't pry into his plans out of respect, and you expect the same in return (another boundary drawing).
Good luck. My 12th ann. comes up in a couple weeks. I've already made plans to be out of town and haven't even mentioned ann. It will still be an emotionally difficult day, but I will be with supportive people in a supportive place. Not where I'd like to be, but we deal with the cards we're dealt.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
The other advantage of that last part is that not everything an MLC does is because of their MLC. A lot of couples lose themselves in the tiny little bubble of the M & family. This may even be one of the triggers for the MLC.
I think this happened to both of us. Now its like he wants to be fancy free and a part time father and not much of a husband.
In Codependent No More they say you have to let people do their thing if you try and control it it won't work so every time I feel bad because he didn't show up, or I haven't a clue what he is doing I stop myself and tell myself he has to work through this his way (may not be the right way) and he has to want to come back because if he doesn't it will never work.
so I come here for my encouragement/advice and it seems the last week I have had a hard time I think maybe I am on the brink of a break through in I am realizing it is not mine to ccntrol and fix and every day I read things here that reinforce just that.
I am proud of myself today when he went off on me about "snotty comment" normally I would have continued on to try and hash it out or make him see my point but I just said Ok and that was it. I have learned that trying to reason does not work.
Yes, it is one of the hardest things to let the person you love find their own way and make their own mistakes and struggle so much. My MLC W thinks her only problems are me, our M, and the collapse of our M (which she is pushing). At the beginning, she recognized that she had a lot of issues to work on. But now, she says that she knows I think she has other issues to deal with, but it is really only me and our M that are her problems that she has to deal with. And she is in IC, although her IC only gets to hear what she tells her and doesn't get to see the day-to-day dysfunction that is so obvious to me and others. Not saying anything or trying to give advice or at least call her attention to things that are obviously things she should bring up with her IC are some of the hardest lessons I've had to learn. It gets a bit easier, but it never gets easy.
I've also had to learn the hard way not just to dismiss what she says as pure MLC fantasy and delusion. There is usually a kernel of truth buried in there, she has just blown it all out of proportion and allowed it to be a rationalization for decisions the woman I have known for so long would never considered in keeping with her strong values. She claims she can't trust me and thinks I haven't and can't change despite all the evidence to the contrary. OK, but if I'm curious as to why, I see that there are still some signs of behavior that were problematic that she can see as evidence that I can't be trusted. She blows those up and uses them as rationalizations as to why she can't come back to work on a new loving relationship. I will never be perfect, but it made me realize that I still have some work to do, particularly in my interactions with my boys that are part and parcel of some things I didn't like about myself. I'm doing it now because I don't want to be that way, not for her or the M, and am glad that I could see through the MLC attack to the genuine feedback that has helped me continue to grow as a person. In the meantime, more space from my W will hopefully allow her to stop being triggered by things that remind her of behaviors that she is afraid of in me, and hopefully allow her to see that real change has occurred. Another helpful insight from seeing beyond the MLC attack.
MLCs just suck. Just for the record!
Last edited by asitis; 06/23/1507:32 PM. Reason: grammar error that might have confused.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
