Working on it, but affair hasn't ended yet...

[t33]

Yes - it is a bad day. Yes, I'm spinning. Yes, my head is in a daze and I don't know what to do.

IF ... and thats a HUGE IF the W ended it with OM, there are strong relapse chance, she just pulled the drug needle out of her veins and very well will want that back .. I lost count with my WW she had over 6 break ups .. sometimes I think they do that to have that rush of 'fixing' it and all that comes with it.

Yes, that's exactly what I feared would happen. I figured it would be tomorrow when OM is back at work, he's off today with his family. I didn't figure it'd be when she's on her own at work and texting me, but chalk it up to me being optimistic, naive, and a sucker.

Lets say for the sake of argument she did end it .... get ready for her withdrawls ... depression... sadness as she mourns the end of her AFFAIR.

I'm sadly fine with that. As long as it is a true withdrawal and doesn't lead to a relapse over and over again. She's got 3 more weeks at work. Then is supposed to take the kids on a vacation at my suggestion to get away from everything (stress, me, her old work) and I would join on the weekend. I suppose it's foolish to think that wouldn't be a time where should would relapse or start talking to him again.

I have mentioned I would not go to MC till I knew ... I feel that you are all to ready to let her off the hook and allow her back into the M to easily ... what will she learn here? Oh I had the A, but t33 really did not seem to mind so a OM2 could VERY well be an option .. you need to DB my frend .. if you have problems, questions, concerns ...

Oh yes, I'm trying to DB. I'm trying to follow the DR, I'm just not sure what to do. Detach? I've expressed my concerns. Set boundaries, I can do that and she'll either follow them or not. I can stop paying for her phone - but that only gets so far and she'll get another one to hide.

I have not seen a presented issue posted here that one of the wise vets did not have a solution nor approach to .... its up to you to use these resources ... I can tell you I would have NO SHOT at repairing my marriage (Which I am currently doing) without several people here .. I honestly can tell you that.

I'm looking for the advise. I've been reading posts and researching the homework and stickies. Still I feel at a loss. I feel completely baffled.

Do not think you have it figured out and your W is different ... do not make that mistake. She is wayward and has not shown remorse .. you have allowed a cake eat fest ... I have yet to see a WW niced back into the marriage.

As Michelle says in DR, I need to stop chasing, pushing, pleading, and pursuing. I can stop texting until she texts me. Michelle says to stop asking questions about the relationship and to stop talking about the affair. But that makes it difficult if I'm trying to enforce boundaries.

She also says to be upbeat and perky since the OM is probably quite happy when the spouse comes around and that's what I'm competing against - so that is what I'm trying to do. She says to keep being the person your spouse wants me to be and by keeping at it, the spouse will realize that the grass isn't any greener on the other side. Detaching seems to be counterintuitive to this - particularly based on where our relationship faltered.

I feel like some of what I'm hearing is based on the "After the Last Resort Technique". I don't think we're there yet. Doesn't mean we won't get there, but I don't want to take an over extreme method if we haven't gotten to that point yet.

But maybe I'm misunderstanding the DR book.

Does she respect you?

Obviously not, even though she says she does. As sandi2 points out, there is no logic at this moment and as many others say, trust nothing of what she says.

Is she afraid of losing you?

No

What has changed to make her stop her A .... other than OM not wanting a R ... she is still wayward.

True. I'm trying to do the work and figure out solutions. I'm just at a loss...