Have hardly seen my W all day, just briefly as we both left the house this morning. I have plans tonight and I think she will actually be home again, for the third night in four. I think all the late nights with the OW are exhausting her, so she probably needs to power rest to make it through the rest of her philandering this week.
She's been a bit cold since last night, though. Wondering if it was something she saw in the chat between my friend and me. Or I wonder if the OW is coaching her on becoming even more and more distant. I know I'm not supposed to think about the OW, but I'm more and more convinced she's a predator and a sociopath. Not that this absolves my W of anything, but she's such a child right now, and being manipulated in the most unconscionable way. I don't know if this means I should remain as detached as I've been all day, or perhaps see if I can reach out to her with some warmth to thaw things. I will play it by ear.
I'm going to grill a few steaks for dinner for my son and me before I go out tonight - my W is welcome to join if she is around. But I've just really focused on not thinking about her today, and it's been good. The PMA rarely lasts as long as it has since my talk with my coach yesterday morning, so here's hoping it sticks around for a while.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Do your thing .. do not worry about what id going on in her head, she chose this and choices have consequences. I would recommend to not allow OW in your head ... sure she might have your W on strings and making her dance like a puppet ... I would do the same thing with my W in a way letting her off the hook of the A ... truth is its not like they are innocent victims in all this right? Do not allow W or OW that power nor satisfaction in your head, you go and GAL, LIVE ... work on things you want to improve for YOU ... let her go do her thing for now. There is a point in this when you detach the WW feels it and has to start thinking (without us even knowing) ... ok is THIS really what I want>? As I read elsewhere the A is a new shiny toy and will continue to be till they become bored, it loses its shine, or more importantly they realize its not that go-to teddy bear they truly need and never appreciated ....allow her the time to sort through it all, in the meantime become someone only a fool would leave.
You are doing well ... now press to improve ... for you.
Cali, she's confused. I came home this afternoon, and she was upstairs in her office, talking to the OW about her real estate deal. She kept her voice down when she heard me, but when she hung up, not a word to me. She got right on the phone with the agent on the other end of the deal, and I could tell, she was feeling pressure from the OW to extend the due diligence period, which wasn't being received gracefully from the other side.
What did you mention earlier in HeavyD's thread about... pressure...?
A few calls back and forth, and I can tell she's stressed. The OW isn't pushing as hard as she probably would if they weren't "in love," but it's so clear to me that my W is pandering to her like a puppy. Sad, really.
After the phone calls ceased, I went upstairs with two glasses of wine. She looked at me - with an old familiar look - and said, "Oh, THANK YOU. I needed this. You would not believe the day I've had, babe. You want to hear? Oh wait... no. You said you didn't want to talk real estate with me anymore."
I smiled and sat down in my office chair.
She smiled back, reached over to caress my knee for the second time in a week. I let her. "So, how was your day?"
I decided to ask her the favor of helping me with my fashion sense for my job interview. She actually said, "Oh yeah? I think you look just fine." (Not what she was saying when she began breaking up with me...). I also told her I'd forwarded an email from another, possibly more responsive realtor, who claimed to have found land possibilities in my price range when my W could not. Asked her if she wouldn't mind looking into it, when she had the time. No rush. No pressure. I smiled and went downstairs.
I started to cook dinner. She got a call, I'm sure from the OW, and went outside to take it. When she came back in and smelled the food, she asked, "What are you cooking?"
"Just some meat, a salad, potatoes... you are welcome to join us if you like."
I left it at that as I continued cooking. When dinner was ready, I invited her. "Do you want to join us?" She hesitated, but accepted.
My son, wife, and I had a meal not unlike all the meals we've had over the years. She thanked me for my cooking, for bringing home her favorite bread ("I haven't had this in a long time!"), and we just had a pleasant meal time. After, she went back up to the office, and I went outside to call a friend.
Interesting to me... whenever she comes home at night, she always rummages through the fridge and pantry for food, like she never has dinner with the OW. I mean, maybe they do, but she's always hungry.
Here's the kicker for the night, and a bit of an aside: in early May, my W gave a talk at my mom's church (about an hour from here) on how we shouldn't take religious freedom for granted. She is an authority in that she grew up in a socialist/atheist country, and couldn't practice her faith till she was grown. (She is not an authority in that, at that time, she had already begun her emotional affair and was ruining our lives.) In any case, she posted a photo of the event on Facebook, and a mortgage lender with whom she works here in the area commented on the post, asking if she could give the same talk at her church in town.
My mom jumped on the comment thread, and she and this mortgage lender - both of them devout Catholics - formed a pretty quick bond. At the time, they wanted to get all four of us together for "Mass and margaritas," and the two of them talked and talked about it. My W said nothing, and of course, neither did I. I was still reeling from the BD shock.
Fast forward to this week, and my mom - who knows things are BAD but doesn't know about the OW or our pending separation - really wants to make this happen. I said, "You take the lead, Mom. I don't think she'll take my suggestions about anything these days." I also REALLY believed she'd continue to ignore and avoid us. Mom sent an email the other day, and my W sure enough did avoid us.
But... turns out that the mortgage lender happens to be working with the buyers on a house my W has listed two doors down from our own house (previously owned by our friend who suddenly died in February), so she and my W have been in particular contact. My W says it's a small world, and so she accepted the invitation.
The mortgage lender says it's the Holy Spirit.
I say it's the Holy Spirit, mixed with our friend looking down from Heaven, and a little of my own DB work the past few days.
Have hope, friends. Small steps, small miracles. You just never know where things will go.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Yes Cali... wisdom and patience. I was at my Divorce Care group tonight, and we spoke of unconditional love. Someone asked me how I could be so forgiving and so loving in spite of what she's doing. I said, "Only by the grace of God... and that grace has come to me through prayer, Mass, family, friends, and indeed, this forum I found online..."
Thanks for being a witness to the faith, Cali. Means a great deal to me.
And thank you Wonka for being such a source of wisdom and tough love. You can borrow my honey anytime.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
DifRent, thank you for your prayers! I also posted a bigger reponse in my thread.
Hang in there, ok? We are not giving up yet!
*Hugs*
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
