MLC SEPARATED NO CHANGE

[asitis]

Yes, it is one of the hardest things to let the person you love find their own way and make their own mistakes and struggle so much. My MLC W thinks her only problems are me, our M, and the collapse of our M (which she is pushing). At the beginning, she recognized that she had a lot of issues to work on. But now, she says that she knows I think she has other issues to deal with, but it is really only me and our M that are her problems that she has to deal with. And she is in IC, although her IC only gets to hear what she tells her and doesn't get to see the day-to-day dysfunction that is so obvious to me and others. Not saying anything or trying to give advice or at least call her attention to things that are obviously things she should bring up with her IC are some of the hardest lessons I've had to learn. It gets a bit easier, but it never gets easy.

I've also had to learn the hard way not just to dismiss what she says as pure MLC fantasy and delusion. There is usually a kernel of truth buried in there, she has just blown it all out of proportion and allowed it to be a rationalization for decisions the woman I have known for so long would never considered in keeping with her strong values. She claims she can't trust me and thinks I haven't and can't change despite all the evidence to the contrary. OK, but if I'm curious as to why, I see that there are still some signs of behavior that were problematic that she can see as evidence that I can't be trusted. She blows those up and uses them as rationalizations as to why she can't come back to work on a new loving relationship. I will never be perfect, but it made me realize that I still have some work to do, particularly in my interactions with my boys that are part and parcel of some things I didn't like about myself. I'm doing it now because I don't want to be that way, not for her or the M, and am glad that I could see through the MLC attack to the genuine feedback that has helped me continue to grow as a person. In the meantime, more space from my W will hopefully allow her to stop being triggered by things that remind her of behaviors that she is afraid of in me, and hopefully allow her to see that real change has occurred. Another helpful insight from seeing beyond the MLC attack.

MLCs just suck. Just for the record!