If I have learned anything .. while your W is at this stage, just watch for this. Pressure. Any form of pressure will effect her greatly, within just a day or two. Pressure from us can send them flying back into the tunnel ... work pressure will make them appear years older within a week.... OP pressure will keep them up at night exhausted at how to fix an issue, how to make sure OP does not leave them ... this would force them to look in the mirror as another R failed and they are the common denominator
Your fortitude is amazing, Cali. And when you write like this, I have to remind myself that you're writing about your W, not mine.
I'm waiting for the pressure to hit... it was pressure about work and finances that put my W in the state that left her vulnerable to being seduced by a woman who has convinced her to walk away. Almost every day she tells me how "things are picking up," but really, they aren't. A few deals here and there, but much more smoke than fire.
In the meantime, she sees me interviewing well, getting job offers, planning - without her knowing the details - my next move so we can have the space we need from each other. I know I've only been in this just under two months, and it feels like a lifetime already. I know you and Heavy, having been slogging through this much longer, are here and continuing to love your spouses by the grace of God.
I will repeat... thank you for the inspiration.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Hmmm.... Maybe we can split the time if we both go back home even though spending any time with her is not fun or enjoyable now.
One thing my w has told me over and over again - even if the AP walked away tomorrow - our marriage is still OVER. I hear that and half of me thinks Yep MLC bs but the other half is doubtful. Maybe she is right it really is over regardless of this AP. That is why I am doing things for me - God consciousness, exercise, GAL etc...
Caliguy - did your wife say words to this effect??
If the only thing I get from this process is self confidence or to stop over analyzing every move or even to stop second guessing myself, I will be a better person. Maybe this process will help me achieve these goals.
I realize you are asking Cali but I did want to share a snippet. I know it feels like a rollercoaster and the sooner *you* get off, the better you will feel.
Please note that I am D'd. X Mr. GB is living in a college apartment complex, skipped Father's day to go kayaking with college gf, etc. He STILL says perplexing stuff. He frequently says "us" and "we" and says as the "Mr. GB family.' In the not too terribly distant past, he mentioned if we ever got back together he didn't know when that would be. They say CRAZY stuff. They talk about the future, the past, and everything in between. Just this morning he fixed a zipper on my shoe and I appreciated it and thanked him. What does all of this mean? Nothing. Something or who knows? Probably a combo of all.
Think NOTHING of what you wife says. And I also caution to pin too much on what happens if the A implodes. There is no guarantee (no matter how fantastic you are and you sound wonderful) that she will come back and want to R with you. She may have AP2 or AP 3. And we have no clue if you would want to R with her.
Life is truly short. For your own benefit, accept that the M you know is over. I don't say that to be harsh. However, I read many posts where people seem to think if just x happens, then y will transpire. Live your life, enjoy your kids, and focus on you. If your W wants to R, you will know. But don't spend a great deal of time pontificating that when it isn't on the table. If or when you get there, you will deal then.
Hang in there:)
Last edited by Georgiabelle; 06/23/1505:15 PM.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Yes, I know, the marriage is over. In my heart I know that. I accept it. What I grapple with is my post marriage relationship. I have informed her that we will not be friends but will co parent only to the best of my ability.
That is where the nasty stuff comes from. She wants it her way, all the way, all the time. She has zero empathy for me or our kids.
It's a mess but yes trying to get on with my life.
How do you interact with your x? Friendly but distant? Best friends? Celebrate special events together or not?
My current situation is not friends, pretty much no contact whatsoever. Seems to work best for now. Maybe in time things will thaw but for now no. It's just too freaking painful for me.
Do you feel you are better off divorced rather than being married?
I hope I didn't sound super sassy in my post. I do that sometimes. I think you are doing really well and I understand it's a struggle. It can be very difficult to watch some of these threads as some people are afraid if they don't acquiesce to the WAS or "live their lives" then they think the WAS will think they are done. Someone refers to it as keeping the door cracked ever so slightly as the best way of looking at the sitch.
Wow! You may be sorry you asked and I will try to be brutally honest. I'm pleasant and cordial. I have the kids 90% of the time and he will occasionally pick them up so I can hang out with friends. Are we friends? Nah, I can't be friends with a liar. That may sound judgmental and the lying was very difficult for me to accept. He still lies. Said he worked on Father's Day. Went kayaking with chickadee. What can I do? Nothing. Just laugh and love my children. Remind them how loved they are by many.
Can I forgive him? I have to and think that I am doing well in that process as I need to so that I live my life to the best of my abilities, IMHO. This sounds vain but I think holding on to anger and bitterness causes wrinkles and gray hair. I don't want to speed the aging process:) I do struggle with my children's pain and they are in therapy. However, I can only be there for them and love them. His R with them is all on him. And for all of his complaining at BD that "I doubted him" and wasn't "supportive", I haven't tried to fix a single thing. Yay me! And I can tell in convos that he is looking for me to offer a solution. Nada. Total 180 for me. He's a grown up and can figure it out if he chooses. Did all of that in the past and was totally blasted for it. I listen, validate, and just mosey on.
He complains about money (something he did not do when we were M because I was the bread winner while he was frequently unemployed) and I just say "I'm sure you will figure it out." Heck, sometimes we share a few laughs. However, I am not friends with him. Do I wish him well? Not yet. I've invited him to events and even invited him and the GF to Christmas. They declined:)
My primary concerns are me and my children. X Mr.GB will either figure it out or he won't. I have no role in that matter. He frequently sends me "remember whens?", photos, things he thinks I will think are funny. Sometimes I respond and sometimes I don't. It depends. I never, ever, ever expected to get a divorce. I sometimes cannot believe it. However, my home is much more peaceful now and I am grateful for that. Do I wish I was still married? Honestly? Some days I think yes and others....well..I'm fine.
I am soooooooo sorry I threw up on your thread and hijacked. It is a terrible quality of mine. Needs to be a 180.
Your R with W will evolve over time. She wants to get a rise out of you and if you detach, then that opportunity no longer presents itself.
Last edited by Georgiabelle; 06/23/1505:52 PM.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
I appreciate your posting and insights. I always like to read about others situations and what helps and what didn't. Although factors vary wildly they are always interesting.
Yeah - just living my life - adjusting slowly to my realities and try to focus on positives. I have a lot to be grateful for and I know it. I am trying out new things and meeting some new people. No one special but just new folks.
One day at a time. Looking forward to Friday to get my kids for the week.
Hmmm.... Maybe we can split the time if we both go back home even though spending any time with her is not fun or enjoyable now.
One thing my w has told me over and over again - even if the AP walked away tomorrow - our marriage is still OVER. I hear that and half of me thinks Yep MLC bs but the other half is doubtful. Maybe she is right it really is over regardless of this AP. That is why I am doing things for me - God consciousness, exercise, GAL etc...
Caliguy - did your wife say words to this effect??
If the only thing I get from this process is self confidence or to stop over analyzing every move or even to stop second guessing myself, I will be a better person. Maybe this process will help me achieve these goals.
Oh yeah ... Here are a few I almost had made into signs and framed
"This has nothing to do with OM" "You and I are like Oil and Water and ALWAYS will be!!" (24 years of oil and water but this one was her battle cry for about a year) "I have not loved you in 10 years" (Was 2, then 4, then made it all the way up to 10) "I will never go back to being controlled, I felt like a caged animal in that M" (The caged animal thing has been shared even with the fog somewhat lifted, still in discussion how she felt that way) "I'm all alone" ( Would be in between the A break ups or when OM was not 'there')
As far as the Friend thing ... GB is spot on .. I have said before I had no interest in being friends, told her I would never be friends with someone who lies, steals, and deceives me ... then shot a truth dart to the effect that it was a one sided friendship at best (Me giving her what she wanted/needed but she was not capable of giving me anything in return)
Cali has wise words. I guess this is the way I look at things now. I loved my h very much. However, I have learned through this process that although I have difficult times (and I'm quite certain I will have more),ultimately things work out the way they are supposed to. Maybe it's not the way I *thought* they should or the way I *wanted*, however it will be okay regardless of what transpires. You want to R with W, and whether or not that happens remains to be seen. However, you will and can be better than ever no matter what happens.
It sounds sort of hokey as I consider myself spiritual rather than religious. I genuinely believe that G-d, the universe, or whatever you believe ultimately delivers. We can only control ourselves and for a self professed control master, this is the most difficult aspect of all of this. Letting go can make me feel very anxious yet it also is what gives me peace (if that makes sense). Just *allowing* things to happen while knowing you are doing the best and being the best you can, can be frightening and freeing at once.
Hang in there. I think it's great that you are meditating and focusing on yourself and the kids. I know you have been through a great deal with your children so you are clearly a very strong woman. It really does get better:)
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Yesteday the W asked for some files on our old computer. I had to do some digging but I found them and emailed them to her. Surprisingly she said thanks.
She also sent me an email about Christmas plans and actually used my name at the top of the email. Most of the emails are sent to a nameless person "me" of course. That is most likely becuase she wants something from me. That's usually how it works. I just told her I am not sure yet about plans for Christmas. It's still very early only June.
L got back to me, will have papers to me to review. Once I review, make any revisions, I will return to him. I am still mulling over if I should direct him to send to my W. She will most likely have some back and forth with a few issues. Once that is finalized, she signs and off to court it goes, unless we settle out of court which I have no idea if that will happen or not.
So it seems we are moving forward with D plans. I could review the papers and then sit on them a while to see if anything changes with W but it seems very very unlikely. She has got it all figured out in her head.
