Trying to stay focus on me.....this is a challenge

[asitis]

Good job.

I'd say that getting to friends is more than a baby step. A baby step might be that he starts initiating some contact. That means you need to avoid initiating contact. You need to work on GAL activities so that you don't come across as just sitting around waiting for him.

Also, given your controlling issue, you need to practice not asking him what he is doing. That doesn't mean not showing interest, but it will take a bit of finesse if he has felt like you are trying to control him by having him account for himself. When he does contact you, be friendly, ask him how he's doing (be very, very open ended), or tell him about something fun you did and leave an opening for him to share. He may not respond. It may take him a while to let his guard down and open up a bit. That is OK, make it no big deal. When he does share, focus on listening and reflecting back (see the validation cheat sheet). You know, if it was something bad, "wow, that sounds really tough," or if it is good, "that sounds like a lot of fun". If you don't feel you can do this with the proper authentic feeling, the cheat sheet has some good ones that don't require this.

This is really difficult for some of us. I have always tended to talk about myself and not be the best listener at times (especially resisting offering unsolicited advice and attempt to fix rather than just listen and reflect). One trick I've learned is to allow real pauses after my W is finished talking to check how I'm feeling and think about what would be a response that is responds to their feelings rather than mine. The pause shows listening and considering. Reflecting shows you heard. The other trick I've learned is that I have the most difficulty in my interactions with my W, so I practice changing my dynamics on people who are less emotionally charged.

The other suggestion in such an interaction is to cut it off while it is still positive. If you've been the pursuer (which your posts strongly suggest), you need to be the one to cut the conversation off. Leave it positive and him wanting more. In time, he will hopefully start pursuing the positive interaction more.

I'll also reiterate, that an IC would be really helpful for you at this stage, both to work through some of the issues you've recognized in yourself, have someone live to talk to about your feelings, and to start to think about how to GAL. I & others have raised the importance of GAL, and if you look back you'll see a pattern of going right back to a focus on your H and M. This is entirely understandable given how early in the process you are and the grief and desperation you feel. Your world has been rocked & the idea of GAL just seems beyond your capacity right now. Still, giving it at least a bit of attention will help you move into a place where you aren't so overwhelmed (it is counterintuitive that if you feel overwhelmed that adding something you feel beyond you might make you feel less overwhelmed, but you will be doing a lot of things that seem counterintuitive at first).

Keep up the good work & give yourself a big hug for taking a big step at a time when this is really, really difficult for anyone to do. It shows a lot of courage and gumption.