As the last thread I noted W has seemed to wake a bit .. even more so over the past 2-3 weeks, clarity has arrived, she shared with me she struggles with admitting she had an A, does not even like us to refer it to as such but has yet come up with a better name for it.
We went through Retrovaille, quite an eye opener and W seems very determined to fix the damage, heal our marriage and our family .... not to allow her to take the brunt of this I have openly taken my share of the blame, things I did to contribute to the misery we were in ... there is a new sense of looking at the long hard path before us but doing this together ... slowly, knowing she is a bit behind me with the work that is required to be done ... but I do see her trying.
So to sum up quickly a few things that I have found different with her and the MLC ... she has admitted to me the A was wrong, apologized for the lies and deceit, she even asked for my forgiveness and openly has shared she wants to regain my trust acknowledging this may take years.
Seems in a strange way, unconsciously I test this ^^^ I realize it after, she has made the effort to understand even if it upsets her. Thursday night she had me over ... just her and I as Jake was gone, Sat/Sunday same small bed though she could have opted to sleep seperate.
This brings us to last night. I sat at work and thought about things said over the weekend, one of the things she said at the time I understood, but giving it more thought it upset me and I realized it was something Cali 1.0 would have accepted ... But Cali 2.0 has more self respect, and will not allow this type of thing. Its a struggle at times between 1.0 and 2.0 with the 'grey' areas .... this was one, so I happened to grab her phone, looked through it some this set her off, she felt disrespected and I went to the "Why are you hiding something?" (Little unconscious/conscious sabotage on my part .... but there is a OM2 in the friend zone I needed clarification on as there are parallels with OM1) This opened up the discussion ... W was upset but showed me she was not hiding anything however there were no TM with OM2 which after all this I find strange, she tells me they talk but admitted 3 weeks or so she deleted almost all texts knowing she wanted to see my phone and would have to give up hers.
Typically ... this ^^^^ would be a blow up, not that it was'nt .. she was mad as was I ... I took a time out and walked the dog as she made dinner for S, I came back thinking about leaving and going home, she told me she did not want me to leave, we calmed a bit but still tense and frustrated. She came out to the balcony where I was reading, expressed she can understand why I have issues with OM2 and would feel the same way, but is concerned I want her to not have friends (old M mistake I made once) ... I expressed I don't but am concerend OM2 could be providing needs that as a husband I feel I should be providing, and that it is a slippery slope between friends and EA .... for the first time in a long time we sat and talked, upset yes but feelings were shared with little judgement.
We decided to let it go for now, spent some time with S, he was ready for bed, she was reading to him and I told them both goodnight, grabbed my helmet to ride home, W grabbed my hand and told me she thought I was staying the night ... shocked me as we basically just had a fight ... she told me there is alot of things we need to work out but assured me she was trying, pulled me to stay. I was pretty taken with this ... all 3 of us laid on the bed, read the book with S, I calmed down and really enjoyed the family time.
Woke early .. walked the dog .. went to leave as W offered breakfast .. I was short on time and had to get going. W came to say goodbye ... I was still a bit upset over the night .. she hugged me, kissed me, asked me to please stop analyzing so much and told me "I love you, I'm sorry, I understand your feelings and I want to fix this"
Almost 2 years IDLY to ILY ... was nice to hear, I played the poker face, hugged her back and told her to have a nice day. As I rode home, I did allow myself to crack a smile, appreciating those words I was not sure I would ever sincerely hear from her again ... but knowing we have a ton of work to still do.
She is still out of work, finances are starting to be an issue, along with her medical issues (Stress absolutely has a huge effect on her) I am doing ok but paying for things we would normally split, her car sounds like it might need repair ... I am accepting this is going to add pressure, concerned she might break a bit ... hoping it does not send her back in a tunnel.
My challenge is to keep in mind she is still processing, not to get to crazy with her progress, but also to keep in mind my 180's that have really brought her close the past month which is to be emotionally available, contain the anger and frustration ,sometimes tough with the cycling feelings from the A ... getting better as I am focused in this area currently. And to share my feelings ... something she shared over the weekend that I never have done, Retrouvaille and the assignments we have will help here though last nights talk was not good .. we did give each other a pass and will attempt it again tonight.
So that's up to date for me ... as I continue this walk
