MLC SEPARATED NO CHANGE

[asitis]

Just my 2 cents, but I'd consider making plans with some close friends who can give you support on your anniversary. You H is not your H right now, he is being consistently inconsiderate and treating you poorly (think how much fun your H will be celebrating an M he finds suffocating - I wouldn't be looking forward to that given how sh*tty he has been on less symbolic occasions), and he is throwing his power as the WAS/MLC around. This is part of the boundaries. I think you should (your choice of course) to have enough respect for yourself to draw the line at how you will be treated. You also might consider making plans for your anniversary wo/ your H as one step in shifting the power dynamic. He needs to face reality that you are moving on with or without him, that you will not sit around waiting for him to text or show up, that you have a life independent of him.

The other advantage of that last part is that not everything an MLC does is because of their MLC. A lot of couples lose themselves in the tiny little bubble of the M & family. This may even be one of the triggers for the MLC. He isn't facing this squarely or healthily, but it doesn't mean that it isn't an issue that might be addressed. If he has felt like he lost himself, then both of you need to show that you can grow and develop outside the M (preferably in healthy ways - which remains to be seen for your MLC H). GAL and signalling to him that you are not trying to draw him back into an R that feels suffocating may help. It will certainly help you regardless, as you may have to if your H goes to D & you will have a healthier M if you don't make so much of your world revolve around it. At least that's the theory.

I know it's hard. I still struggle not to orient my life around my MLC W. It still feels awkward and unnatural to try to make plans like I'm a single person so that I'm not waiting around for her to throw me a bone. I'm not a natural socializer and most of my friends are married & have kids, so it is difficult to have people that can do the kinds of things I was suggesting. Even if it is every once in a while that you are successful getting out w/ friends, that will send a message and help you detach. If you can't find friends, consider going to a movie by yourself, going to the museum, seeing if a local spa can squeeze you in for a massage or other pampering treatment that you'd enjoy. Anything you would enjoy that would allow you to tell H "Sorry, I have plans" or "Oh, you didn't text me to indicate we were still on, so I went ahead and made plans." If he asks, you can just give him a look and say "Really?" If he pushes, tell him that you don't pry into his plans out of respect, and you expect the same in return (another boundary drawing).

Good luck. My 12th ann. comes up in a couple weeks. I've already made plans to be out of town and haven't even mentioned ann. It will still be an emotionally difficult day, but I will be with supportive people in a supportive place. Not where I'd like to be, but we deal with the cards we're dealt.