So I brought up respect and boundaries at home. She admitted to talking and texting with him at home, but said she doesn't want to stop. We agreed to table the discussion until therapy tomorrow night. I know this is a stalling tactic, but I agreed anyways. I'm not sure how to proceed if she's not willing to accept the boundaries.
Do I insist on this boundary? I don't want to make it an ultimatum.
How do I enforce it? Take away her phone and credit cards? I'm trying to earn respect, but I don't want to come across rash, pressuring, vindictive, or punishing.
I also think we need to take some time away from talking about the affair. We didn't talk about it at all over the weekend and it was good. But maybe that is for after the affair has ended and we move into healing time. Is is the wrong time now to give a pause from the constant talk and stress of talking about it?
She still talks about future plans and Christmas vacation. I don't bring it up - so it feels like there is a part of her that is conflicted and still wants to assume things will go back to the way they were.
I also know she is in pause mode waiting on this job. Job or no job, the affair could continue, but it certainly feels like she's trying to figure out what to do when she's no longer there (i.e. phone calls and texts from home) whereas she didn't before.
I'm still struggling on the detachment and 37 rules. Don't schedule dates, don't start conversations and be scarce with words, pull back, etc. These are all the things that led to our relationship disconnecting. I realize we are in a state of disconnection and won't be able to reconnect until the affair is over, but it seems backwards to continue to do what wasn't working for the past few months. I feel that I 180'd into somebody who spends more time with my wife, talks more, about feelings (not necessarily about the affair), etc. I haven't brought up my changes, but she has mentioned that she's noticed them and that it's a good thing.
I realize that right now I am the Plan B. I just want to be careful that my actions don't reinforce being Plan B.
---- So, updates happening as I've been trying to finish this post.
Good things and I'm sure not good.
She keeps wanting the job to call her. I suggested she put in her two weeks notice regardless of the job. If it happens great, and perhaps she gets some vacation time with DDs. If the job doesn't come, she still has time to be with the girls for the summer.
A bit more than an hour later, she messaged me that she decided to give her 2 weeks notice. Now she hasn't submitted it yet, so we'll see what happens.
Beyond that, she said she ended it with the OM. The not so good is how she ended it I suppose...
About 15 minutes before telling me, she messaged him and told him she decided to give her two weeks notice. She said to him:
--- W: Wanted to let you know that I'm planning on giving my 2 weeks soon  OM: OK
W: One final question  W: Ready?  OM: Sorry to see you go
W: Would you ever consider.... W: Having a relationship with me?  OM: Wish we could OM: It would have been nice  W: Thanks. You just made it easy for me.
OM: To quit?
W: Both you and work  W: Know this... W: I love you ---
So, I know this isn't the ideal sense of closure. But, I have to grab onto something, right? I know there is a high likelihood of relapse. But what can I do but hold onto the DR steps, continue with my 180s, and work towards refilling the love and passion buckets with my wife?
I know I need to make sure I don't act too exciting and overwhelming. This isn't a flip switch, magical moment. Yet. I have to maintain no expectations for now.
