I wonder whether this thread/post is nothing more than self-indulgence. I have always found it both celebratory and cathartic to write what I feel. My brain “works” better at writing pace. The past few months have been mostly venting, misplaced yearning for validation and absolutely cathartic. There have also been moments of celebration, and these are becoming more common.
A more “generous” viewpoint is that it may help someone to read this. I am certainly not the one with the answers but I have found that in general, and certainly at this time in our lives where you might find yourself on a DB forum that reading more or less the same message over and over helps. It either eventually sinks in, OR it may be phrased in a particular way that brings it all home for you. So – here goes it.
The last little while has been good, possibly even great. I had a hissy fit early in the week after returning to my “reality”. I had spent a week in what seemed like isolation from this world. When I returned I effectively backslid to square one. But thanks to my friends and 2*4’s that I most definitely needed, I am back on track.
It’s hard to gauge my overall progress when I am one week on, one week off with the girls. Life is great when I am with them. Towards the close of that week I get sad, angry, etc that I only get to be with them ½ of their lives. We do have a midweek visit in our schedule with the other parent, but it is nothing like the 24/7 access that I had. However, when I think of the reality of the past few years, I have been miserable in almost every moment NOT around the girls. Especially around my W.
So maybe this is better. The time I am with them I feel I have more than double the contact I did in the past. Well d4 has always been my girl and I have lost time to play with her, being a single Dad and always having to watch d2 doesn’t climb the TV or something. Certainly with d2 though. She was breast feeding until 1 month before BD, so very attached to W. We have such a good time together. I am so glad that she doesn’t miss her Mum and has such a great time with me.
Most of the time I am detached. Some times I feel so detached that I feel guilty. Some times I am glad that this has happened as I now have the chance at a future, and a mature, happy R. It is exciting to think who she might be, or what she might be like. However I still lament that it couldn’t be with W. It still could be, but nothing suggests that this might ever be the case.
Not simply because of how she has behaved, but I am starting to have stricter “rules” about re-engaging with her. Even as friends. After telling my IC about her latest hurtful remarks, she commented that she thinks my W may have Aspergers. A “lot” of things I have repeated to IC and a “lot” of W’s behaviour suggests W has no sense of what is appropriate behaviour.
Usually I would dismiss this for obvious reasons, and I pretty much did at the time, but later I was thinking about it – and it honestly has been an issue for 12 years we have been together. She has always had a problem with “tact”. She has made very inappropriate comments to people, but generally “we” have all lived with it because we knew she meant well and has a heart of gold. It worked in reverse as well. She interpreted things really strangely. My family were walking on egg shells they have admitted to me recently.
Still, if this is the case, it doesn’t change anything for me or us right now. The only thing it does do is increase my compassion for her. This is interesting in itself. Given the possibility that maybe she is the way she is because of some condition, it is easier for me to be compassionate. Irrespective of Aspergers or not, she is subject to a condition, being herself. The condition of being human. The unbearable lightness of being.
Today I noticed myself thinking of a work problem while away from my desk. Three months ago I had to force myself to concentrate on work. Now, I have moments where I have to deliberately think about my M/D/W. It was a beautiful winters day down on the beach, which never hurts.
The most beautiful thing deserves yet another thank-you to the people on these boards. The amazing support and advice really has saved my life. A special thank-you to both those who took an interest in me, and put up with me, 2*4’ed the [censored] out of me when I was already bleeding and on the ground but understood that this was exactly what I needed. I am sorry if I have said any hurtful things to anyone over the last few months.
I genuinely feel that I am on the upside. I am over the worst of it. I am healing. I am on the path to a great future. I lament that my W is not by my side, but maybe one day she will be and I can encourage her on this path. The people here have directed me on a quest that is far in excess of what MWD aptly sums up in DR. It has been better than any book, more effective than any counselling. It is dynamic counselling daily from the premise of DB/DR, and I think vets here and other enlightened individuals are apprentices that have surpassed their masters. (disclaimer: I don’t have a DB coach so am under-qualified perhaps)
Anyway, the most beautiful thing is that my heart has not hardened. I feel no hatred. I do backslide and get angry, but I am OK with that now and get over it quickly. I am sad but it is a good sad if that makes sense. I am not all the way to where I know I can be, but I am looking forward to that journey.
One last thing – meditation. I was taught to meditate when I was a child. I have spent more years not meditating than I have practiced this, but in this crisis – it has been of unbelievable benefit. It will help you in every way. And there is nothing hard about it. It is simply silence.
Whoa - a record I think for my most loquacious post yet, and I deleted half of it! Anyway, if you have nothing better to do - journaling for me.
