a young man with hope II

[mahhhty]

ship - how are you doing?

[mahhhty]

????????????

My Man... It's time for an update... Please??!?!??!?!

[lnlyshp]

mahhhty, my friend, I am truly grateful that you keep bumping this thread.

Not much to update. We go before a judge on Monday to finalize the divorce. I am sullen and disappointed that I was not able to do what I set out to do - which ultimately was to save my marriage. There are things that I wish I would have done better during this time, but I can honestly say that I tried my best. My life still feels like its in shambles right now, but from time to time I see a glimmer of hope. Not all days are bad days. S is still doing great and growing fast. He made me one of those handprint-in-clay type of gifts for Father's Day, which was incredibly special to me.

In IC, I am working on controlling my anger and working towards forgiveness, which is a process. The belief is that I am feeling two strong emotions - grief over the loss of a companion and a relationship and anger at X for leaving and not even trying. My counselor has suggested several ways in which I can relieve some of the anger and when I'm not so angry and when I'm done putting myself into the victim role, I can finally begin to heal.

That's all for me lately. Just taking it day by day, trying to find the right track.

Thanks for reading, mahhhty, and anyone else who might skim from time to time. I will try and be more active with updates.

[lnlyshp]

Vanilla,

Your thoughts about forgiveness make a great deal of sense to me. My ultimate goal has shifted to trying to do what's best for my son. While that has always been the main goal, I thought for a long time that what is best for him is to have a reconciled mother and father. However, as that is no longer a possibility, I see now that what is best for him is for his mother and I to work together and have as good of a relationship as possible - which is where the forgiveness comes in. I wish that I could put everything behind me and just focus on a good relationship with her for S's sake, but I strongly feel that forgiving her and ultimately forgiving myself is the clearest way that I can do so.

Thanks for reading, V.

[mahhhty]

My Man... Welcome back. I'm glad you are continuing to grow. You are a strong man for you age! Much stronger than me at your age. Happy Belated Father's Day my friend.

You talk as though you failed. What about if you succeeded? What if none of this ever happened? You never went to IC. You never focused on you. Would you have taken your anger out on XW or on S? Or would you have lived a less happy life for a very very long time. Perhaps this isn't the way you thought your future would lay out. But perhaps this is how it had to be, to become the best version of yourself.

With that said. Keep your chin up.

So.....
"I see now that what is best for him is for his mother and I to work together and have as good of a relationship as possible - which is where the forgiveness comes in."
Absolutely, your son will always be your bond to her. That will NEVER EVER change.

With that, you said "While that has always been the main goal, I thought for a long time that what is best for him is to have a reconciled mother and father. However, as that is no longer a possibility..."
First 20% of divorced couples remarry. So I ask, why is it over? Because the court said so? [censored] that. A piece of paper does not dictate your lives.

[lnlyshp]

Just laying awake venting. Divorce is finalized on Monday. I'm scared. I don't want to be alone. I want to be my with my XW and make her happy. I want to make our family whole. But it's all coming to an end on Monday and I'm scared.

I don't know what to do. I just wish things weren't like this and that I could fix them. I honestly didn't think it would be this painful at this point. I kept telling myself that things would get better in time and I feel like they've just got worse.

Just feeling sorry for myself tonight. Sorry all.

[lnlyshp]

Officially divorced. Didn't think it would hurt this bad. Having trouble with perspective at the moment. Haven't got out of bed in 2 days except for basic human functions. I thought I would be ready for this. I think I'm losing it.

[Sotto]

Inlyshp, I'm so sorry to hear that, and that you're finding things so tough just now. This is a dark time my friend, but things will get better truly. Give yourself some time to grieve and then you can start moving painfully forwards. And as time goes on you will feel stronger and stronger.

You aren't losing it, but do reach out for help from those who love you and want to support you. Try and set yourself some mini goals. Today I will get dressed and make a little lunch, walk around the block, call a friend or family.

Even in a few days, you will start to feel better, just look after yourself right now, and know that there is a life full of joys still to be lived for you out there. You will get there & don't lose hope.

In the meantime, can I give you a huge virtual hug? (((((((inlyship))))))))

[mahhhty]

It is painful. I did the same thing. Get out of your house, everyday. Do something. Anything. And everyday do a little more.

It is hard and you will have ups & downs. I just had a down and I've been D'ed for 6 months.

When you see her make the most of it. Act as if 100%. Do your best.

[Vanilla]

Sometimes we just need to veg and have pity for ourselves.

Then Ins you have a beautiful S so it is time to heal a little.

Do get some sunshine, talk to your doctor and Ins, it is going to be ok, whilst you have the little one to love.

Your S is is in your life for the whole of it.

Hugs, peace and healing
projecting all my loving strength to you