PatientMan, I did sit down and boy it wasn't pretty, I thought about what he had been repeating lately to me....and got me thinking and did I ever find flaws in myself....
#1: I am very possessive I wasn't possessive all my life, it started when is father was sent to jail for child abuse, he is now a registered pedophile, so when that happened, I turned into a protective mode as a mom & wife & got to being very possessive about protecting them from EVERYTHING.....I can see now this can be suffocating, I would put them in a bubble if I could to prevent them from the world
#2: I am controlling I wasn't controlling all my life either but I find that I am today, looking back he say very often in the last 7 weeks that I need to know everything & that I need to control everything about his life even now that he has left, I can see it now. I prefer everything done my way, I tell them how to think & what to say for what situation, I push them towards what I think is best for them in my opinion not in theirs.
#3: I am stubborn I wasn't stubborn all my life either; I think once I got possessive, controlling & stubbornness got in the mix automatically. I hate backing down, I want what I want regardless of their feelings or thought, I will not stop & try different ways to end up getting what I what at the end.
Yesterday for me was a BIG light bulb moment, starting with the fly & the honey, then sitting down and really thinking about my part in this failing M.
I decided that my first baby step goal is trying to at least get back into being friends with the H, right now he wants NO contact whatsoever. I don't blame him, I have been telling him what to do, to who to talk to or not talk to & I have been making all the decisions about everything. So, by letting him, the girls....everyone around me choose & think for themselves, whatever it is & support them regardless of my opinion & being happy for them & STFU, I know by implementing this that A LOT of these 3 problems will be improving......
This is life changing for me !!! Even if this doesn't bring me my H back, I will be a better person, mother & friend.
I thank this online community for opening my eyes. It's amazing, I feel scared but I feel ready for the new me.
I have a plan in motion in my head with ready replies & facial expressions ready as well for situations that might arise along with GAL, those 2 things will be my primary focus until I see some communication changes with my H.
