Renewed Focus on ME

[V2pt0]

Thanks, Cindy. It is a work in progress and it is challenging, especially trying to stay empathetic and compassionate toward H with his current demeanor. I know in my heart he is acting this way because he is hurting inside and has lots of self hate and I am just the closest person he can take it out on. I do realize I contributed to that hurt and for that I am terribly sorry and have tried to show remorse through my words, actions, and making important changes. It is up to him to move toward my out reached hand and heart.

Unfortunately, my H is in a place where he is unable or unwilling to try and forgive or show empathy or remorse on his end. Mostly because of his A. He is still not ready to look inward and I cannot control him or his timeline. So, I finally have realized, and am in the process of accepting, that our M is dead. I can only continue to work on myself so that I am healthy for my next M whether that is with H or someone else. Letting him influence how I feel takes a way from my healing and makes me react in ways that are not emblematic of my higher self. I don't want to be that person.

I just keep telling myself that this is not really my H right now, but some higher version of the real H is there somewhere and will revel himself at some point.