Go for the best settlement for you, no matter what. None of my clients have ever come back years later and said they wished they were more generous with their ex. But it sure is common for them to come back and try to undo their prior generosity.
About you paying alimony, even in no fault jurisdictions, it is a rare judge that will award full alimony to an actively cheating spouse. A good lawyer will know the tendencies of the potential judges, have a few tricks to help steer where the case will go, and know how and when to bring up the fact that the person seeking so much support is the one driving the divorce and cheating.
Here's a funny anecdote for you - I know an attorney who had a case before a notorious 'man-hater' judge and his BH client was facing every other weekend custody while paying over 2/3 of his paycheck to his actively cheating WW. His client got wind that his WW was going to the Caribbean, and so my friend slowed down the proceedings until after they went, and then he pieced together the financials showing that his client basically paid for WW and OM's Caribbean vacation while his WW was pleading poverty for their kids. In the next appearance he switched the narrative for the judge from 'BH vs wife and kids' to 'family vs OM'. 1 month later his client had primary custody and no support payment!
That makes sense. I just have received so much feedback about letting the lawyers handle it and doing nothing. While I've tried that it's only seemed to make matters worse.
I just struggle with these convo's coming across as pursuing or trying to be her friend - which is not the case.
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
"I just struggle with these convo's coming across as pursuing or trying to be her friend - which is not the case."
You are trying to mindread. You don't know EXACTLY how they're coming across so don't second-guess yourself. You have two young children together, you're going to have to talk about them some time.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Update: met with ww today. First time we've talked in person since I moved out a month ago. Asked her for 5-10 minutes and we talked for 1 1/2 hours!
Overall it went better than I expected. I told her I wasn't sure what I wanted and really unsure how to talk or communicate with her anymore, but the one thing I do know is I don't want to be enemies. I don't want to carry hate around for her or anyone. I told her while our attorneys negotiate back and forth, I wanted to pay some monies now and every two weeks. I put in amount in the account that was exactly halfway from what I proposed and she proposed. She said she would agree to that amount and talk with her attorney tomorrow - we'll see.
After our talk in walking out she asked "you want a hug, don't you?" I wanted to tell her no, I'm fine, but I caved and said yes. She gave me a long hug. It was the first physical contact I've had with her in months and I forgot how much I missed it.
During our talk she brought up that she was ready to move on and wants this over. She said that she feels happier and is finding herself when she never did that before. She acknowledged her happiness isn't as simple as moving on from me and I'm 100% the cause of it. She said the standard we got married young and between being my girlfriend, fiancé, wife and mother to my kids, she never felt she was just her. Having time away from me and the kids is allowing her (and me) to do that.
I feel like I did a little pursuing looking back. I never told her I missed her or still loved her, but I did tell her that I'm a better person now that when we first met 14 years ago and I owe a lot of that to her. I did also say my life seems better with her in it. I know, I'm kicking myself for those.
This should help with the settlement, but not sure where to go or what to do from here. I initiated the convo to tell her I don't want to fight and be more open thought this process. I guess I will continue to Gal, work on me and not pursue.
It felt nice to have a good convo, but hurts because she is so adamant about moving on and while I miss her, I didn't sense any of that from her. Also no remorse or guilt from her. I also know the hurt was because even though I went in with no expectations, I left hoping she would acknowledge or reciprocate she missed having me in her life one way shape or form. That was not the case.
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
It felt nice to have a good convo, but hurts because she is so adamant about moving on and while I miss her, I didn't sense any of that from her. Also no remorse or guilt from her. I also know the hurt was because even though I went in with no expectations, I left hoping she would acknowledge or reciprocate she missed having me in her life one way shape or form. That was not the case.
Hey Rip,
Wow, what mixed feelings you must have after today's events. I can't imagine how you must feel right now. But whatever you are feeling I know is normal. You are such a good man and I'm very sorry you have to be going thru this "chit".
I wouldn't worry about how your conversations come across with your W when you are discussing your children or legal matters. Also, I recommend (Yes, it's hard) to GAL, work on yourself and not pursue your W as you wrote. See? You are on the right course. Just take it one step at a time my friend.
P.S. Thank you for the kind post in my thread. I replied there.
Chin up and keep the PMA.
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
I had dreams about my ww for first time since I moved out - obviously due to the conversation and hug yesterday. I've been asking myself this morning, why I miss her so much and why I now seem to have a "I want her back" feeling, almost need her back.
I was doing so well at detaching and getting a life. What I'm realizing is that right now, this feeling isn't a feeling of I want her back, it's deeper than that.
When I see her and think about our marriage, I feel I failed and I'm a failure. I want another chance to right the wrongs and feel she's the key to get me that chance - pursuing. Also, deeper than that, if I fail or am a failure, I feel I'm worthless and my purpose for anything is moot.
Right now/today I am still equating my marriage to her and the life we had as my sole purpose for life and what would make me happy. It's my self worth and I need to do more work to get past that.
WW and our marriage won't be able to fully repair my lack of self esteem or value, just give it a Band-Aid and maybe that's what's been on it for 14 years. Until I'm able to repair that, our M will never be successful, I'll never be truly happy and anyone else in the future I meet will probably have the same end result.
Lots to work on, but at least I'm finally starting to understand that this pain/longing for ww isn't solely about her and our M. If I truly dig deeper to the why, it's really about me.
M-33 W-33 S-11, S-8 M-11, T-14 BD - 12/26, Divorce Filing and admits to affair (her) 4/18 I moved out 5/23
I kinda think we all feel that to some extent. Especially those of us with kids. I think all the time that I failed THEM. I know I can have another chance at love and marriage and all that in the future, but they may not get a chance to grow up with two parents together.
Don't have much advice, but I certainly understand where you're coming from.
Right now/today I am still equating my marriage to her and the life we had as my sole purpose for life and what would make me happy. It's my self worth and I need to do more work to get past that.
Looks like you are making progress to me
Originally Posted By: Ripken8
Lots to work on, but at least I'm finally starting to understand that this pain/longing for ww isn't solely about her and our M. If I truly dig deeper to the why, it's really about me.
