hold on! - 10

[Vanilla]

[quote=u-turn]

V & Cadet - Have to be honest, I had to look up much of what you are talking about. You only know what you know - and this is nothing that I know about. I know how lot's of things work but the brain is definitely not one of them. I research things that I don't understand.

Fins = money - right? Financial situation more than mere money

autonomy = acting separately from others (I don't really understand what this has to do with shame) Shame is that which we hide from others, when we are independent of others can be autonomous, we lose the shame. We are doing what is authentic for ourselves. Personally I am more a Brene Brown theorist, we are human and showing our vulnerability reduces the shame.

Initiative = starting independently (I don't really understand what this has to do with guilt)Again a theory, but if guilt motivates us to action it diminishes. I prefer twelve step atonement. But often we feel guilty about things we cannot be responsible for and my model is incomplete.


I understand the description of guilt and understand a little about where that comes from. I do not understand where my shame would come from - this is what happened when I spoke of this with my IC.

My understanding is that shame will arise because at your core your situation is something which you wish to keep private. Usually it's a fear of being judged. It isn't because you perceive you were responsible but it's something you hold yourself accountable for. In the same way that if a thief takes your car and crashes into another and runs away, you are not responsible for the action but may feel accountable for the fact it was unlocked or the alarm wasn't on. If that makes sense. In general we keep the things we are ashamed of hidden from view because we believe others judge us. When we disclose make ourselves vulnerable then we get support and empathy from others.

When I discovered my STBXH was a compulsive gambler I was ashamed, yes I am not the gambler here so I am not responsible for his gambling and I have no guilt for that as it wasn't my action. But I felt accountable because by being blind I felt I enabled, I was ashamed for H gambling and the position it left us. Once I made myself vulnerable by disclosing, I faced my fear and could take action and the shame went. Shame is natural and being secret about things is the usual response. The world does not need to know, just those who are important to you .

I was describing my perception of what other people may think of my potential divorce without knowing the story. I feel like others may just feel that "yep, that u-turn is a hell of a guy, but that's not enough to keep W happy, so she bolted" Other people's perception is just a fear of mine.
Sweet heart that's mind reading, you can't control another's thoughts and besides people only give it a moments thought then move back to their concerns about themselves. They could think anything from "that's what happened to my BIL", "I could give that guy a hug" "what a [censored] thing" to "what? who is that".

Throughout this, I have had a hard time not comparing myself to OM. Most of the time I feel like this is the lowest type of person. but other times, I feel like - this guy knows how to get what he wants and W just wants this type of lowlife.

No pond scum, scuzzy, scrot bag, nasty piece and oh yes, low morals scruples and behaviour.

I still protect my W and that is something that will be hard for me to stop. I have been talking to some people about our situation, but have not talked too much about why.

Stop, you don't need to say anything you don't need to. But no lies, when someone says "sorry to here you and W are separate" then you can say "yes, it's sad and I am working on myself". This is the truth but doesn't protect W.

Thanks for the resources - I have seen these, but I am going to watch again - I remember them to be very inspiring (Like V).
That will help

It is rude of me to enter into philosophical discussions on your thread and I apologise. My understanding is above and is how I understand it.

Apologies again

V