this self-introspection and analysis will also help you in detaching. it will give you focus and hopefully you will see your part in the M more objectively. When you take a break from yourself and naturally drift off into the nightmare that has happened it will seem a little bit different each time.
eventually it won't seem like such an overwhelming nightmare. Nothing in this whole sordid grief process is straightforward. Everything goes around and around, and in different order. Its more like a spider web in the wind rather that a merrry-go-round or a roller-coaster.
This path of acceptance, detachment, letting go, forgiveness, compassion is also like a spider web in the wind. There are many ins and outs to each process. None of them gets done once and is achieved. You just have to keep practicing the steps. ONE path to detachment is that above. Another maybe to forcibly detach. Kill all thoughts as quick as you can. However you proceed, practicing will calm the wind, untangle the web, and eventually warm your heart.
One thing that stopped me from fully jumping in to this detachment (and I have seen it with others as well) is that when it came to it - I didn't want to detach. My pain was all that was left of my love, and I didn't want lose that. following a nasty text, my W threatened an intervention order. This woke me up quick smart and I forcibly detached for a few days.
Naturally, I couldn't help it, and I reverted to thinking about W an M again. But to my surprise I was detached (a little) and to my very pleasant surprise I hadn't lost anything. I actually loved her genuinely, compassionately, more so than ever.
I have had a million setbacks since, but in general I am in a good place now. I love my wife. I want my M back. But i can't have that right now.
This is grief Cindy. It is a process bigger than you or I that affects all creatures. Dont try to fight it or deny it. You WILL hurt. You WILL go backwards at times. But you WILL get through this. Do it the best way possible, on this DB path. The future has endless possibilities. Even the possibility of R with your H and enjoying a great M. But even this one is subject to what you do with yourself now.
You quite easily made the observation that you were more like his mother. I can relate to this. I was the father. Point is - this is an excellent starting point and I think will lead you to more specific behaviours. A "mother" would certainly be a reason to feel like you needed space".
M: 6 T: 12 Kids: 2,4 BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015 EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
