On Saturday, my father had a massive heart attack and passed away very suddenly while working in my yard.
Since my separation began, my parents have been my rock. They've been there to help out with a million little things- and my father, in particular, has been in a frenzy to make sure I'm ok and the girls are ok. I can't tell you how many little household chores he insisted on taking on to help out and whenever I had a question about some sort of household maintenance he was right there to help me. At the end, he was cheerfully stacking wood for the winter. He had long had some heart problems, but the doctor told him the exercise was good for him and he took a lot of delight in it (he also did tons of work at my sister's house). And now- suddenly he is gone. I can't say - "At least I have my dad" anymore, and honestly, I have said that a lot in the past year. I feel like I have lost my ultimate place of safety. And I'm so sad, that after all the loss my daughters have experienced this year, they have now also lost such a wonderful role model.
At first, I felt like it put the divorce in perspective - it made me realize there are certainly worse things that can happen. But I've also felt rage growing inside of me. It may not be rational but I hate, hate, hate, that my father's last year was filled with so much worry and concern for me and my girls. And, while I know it isn't rational, right now, I blame STBX and his choices for that. I'm a little worried about when he takes the girls for a couple of days this week - because I'm so, so angry at him right now. I know this is how my grief is manifesting itself, and I will do my best to control my emotions - but I feel raw and wounded and very capable of lashing out. It's all too much and too close together.
