if it's too late why is he still here?

[PigPen]

Sending you a big hug Lost.

It sounds like your days are like most of us around here, somewhere between experiencing every possible emotion without warning or provocation of when they're going to come next. I've described the LBS's experience as bi - polar in it's truest form.

I never know when a single thought, memory, commercial, line in a book, or any other stimulus is going to either make me cry, or laugh out loud. I literally walked away from a full cart full of groceries last week and went out into my truck and cried. And I used to protect people's lives for a living!

Keep breathing. Keep working the process. And like all of us, keep having faith that one day we'll wake up feeling just a little bit better.

Big hug,

PP

[mahhhty]

How am I doing? I'm really not sure, sometimes I'm fine, other times I'm pissed, confused, angry, sad, depressed, still in denial, scared, hopeless, trying to hold on to hope. Mad at myself that I waited to long to try to fix my M, mad at myself for still wanting to try to make it work and wanting to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me....wishing he would just go but not wanting him to...

I'm sorry you are in this stage. Its a crappy place to be. You do have the skills to pull yourself through, find solace in the fact that you have made progress. Continue to act as if. A question I wished I asked was "What needs to happen to rebuild our marriage and relationship?" Of course this needs to be delivered eloquently.

Have you talked to your coach?

((((lost))))

[mahhhty]

I'm dying over here. How about an update? Where is Lost? How is she? What is she up too?

[lost18]

Sorry, not much to update I guess. I'm not doing too good emotionally right now. I know I need to let go and move on but I'm really struggling. The best advice my coach gave me was to "be a cat, not a puppy!" I liked that....

I am starting to get more angry...again with how he has handled this (is handling this). Of course that does involve a lot of mind reading. He seems to be happy....

I guess I'm just trying to sort some things out, I don't want to give up on my marriage but he did that a long time ago. If I could figure out how to detach while he is still living here that would help. I also spend a lot of time asking why and how which is not helpful.

It is a bit more than a week before I go on vacation and will have some time away from him. I need to get my head on straight and figure out my plan moving forward. I guess, I haven't done a great job of DBing in hind sight...I've been pretty inconsistent and not enough GALing...

I know this post is a downer, like I said I've been struggling emotionally especially over the past few days....

[RAI]

Hi losty,

It seems like we are in a pretty similar place right now. I was away to take care of my mother. As difficult as that was, I was quite busy, felt very useful to my family, and it was sort of a respite from all the insanity I have to deal with at home. Now that I am back home, all the negative emotions are resurfacing. The anger is definitely back. Just when I thought I was detaching...

We all have our days (weeks or months) where we struggle emotionally. It is ok. Just know that you are not alone in these struggles.

{{{Lost}}}

I think the problem is that it is sometimes easier to complain and talk about our emotions than it is to take concrete steps to improve out sitch. I know this because my sister just berated me on the phone 5 minutes ago for doing exactly that. I see a lot of analysis paralysis and looking at your past in your last post. I think we both need to accept (again!) that we can't change our S and that we have force ourselves to look to the future, no matter how daunting it is. Forget the hindsight: you can't drive a car forward if you are looking in the rear-view mirror the whole time.

Truly sorry you are going through this.

RAI

[mahhhty]

It is great to hear from you. I am sorry you are struggling. I know how that feels. I had all of this, the anger, the how's, the why's. Honestly, I still carry those with me today. Posting more will help, please do not get lost in your situation and not remember the path forward. You know what it is.... Do what works. Have a plan. Analyze yourself, and when things don't work try something different. 180s. GAL. STFU.

The best advice my coach gave me was to "be a cat, not a puppy!" I liked that....

This is good advice. And very similar to acting As If.

I am starting to get more angry...again with how he has handled this (is handling this). Of course that does involve a lot of mind reading. He seems to be happy....

You don't know what he is. Happy. Sad. Anything. Nor does it matter. He is not the person you married. Your best friend needs to be the Serenity Prayer.... God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference.

You can change this. But you need to take the first step, and most of the steps after that. He will not help you. He is not your husband. He is someone else that you don't fully know or understand.

I guess I'm just trying to sort some things out, I don't want to give up on my marriage but he did that a long time ago. If I could figure out how to detach while he is still living here that would help. I also spend a lot of time asking why and how which is not helpful.

These things are not helpful, but should be expected. When you are feeling like [censored] ask yourself what you can do to be happier... then do it! You need to ask yourself if you want to save your marriage, and if you do.... then buckle up and take the steps necessary. You will need to take the steps by yourself, and let go from what he is or isn't doing.

This is your journey. Take it where you want to go.

I believe attacking this is a 180 for you. I'm not saying to attack divorce but to attack the situation. Any thought to confronting him with something like this.....
"H - You have obviously thought about this. I totally agree that our marriage is completely unsatisfying. This decision to divorce rather than work on ourselves and our marriage is not a course of action that I condone or agree with. It will come at the expense of our family, everything we know and the relationships we have with our children. However, I don't want to continue to live without a partner. As divorce decisions are purely unilateral in nature, I ask is there anything you believe we could do to work on ourselves and our marriage?"

[lost18]

Feeling down today, going to go with it and start fresh tomorrow.

Had a conversation with H last night, I never plan these things and therefore they are never the best DB conversations. He was out on the lanai texting and I'm just so sick of everything, I went out there and asked him "do you really think it's ok for you to be out here texting your girlfriends?" I know...not the best approach. He chuckled and said "is that what you think I'm doing?"

It did lead to a conversation. So, hard to remember everything that was said but here are some key points.

-he woke up one day and it was like all the feelings he had for me left his body (oct 2013)
-said he used to talk to himself because of me and my ups and downs
-he admits that he hasn't done everything that could be done to fix our M but says neither have I (which I agreed with)
-he has some bitterness and resentment toward me still
-living here has been hard on him too
-he knows the girls are going to be crushed and that their lives will be changed forever
-he thinks our marriage has been rocky from the start (I agree) and it's too late to fix (I obviously disagree)
-said this is his house, he pays for it so why shouldn't he be able to stay here while he heals

-He said this "If I were to say I'm sorry let's reconcile what would you say?" I said it's not that easy. He said yes or no, I said yes. I just don't thinks he sees any possibility for him to "be in love" with me again.

I thought it was strange that he was taking off in the truck the past few mornings, apparently he worked a deal and got a place. He said it's a nasty, 1B/1B with no AC and needs a lot of work. I guess he is going to do the work and live rent free as long as he wants. I asked him when he was planning on telling me, he said when he was ready and didn't think I needed to know?!?!? WTF

We talked about splitting assets, I said several times this is not a conversation that I want to be having because D is not what I want. We both agree that our place up North is going to be our biggest issue because neither of want to give it up. Said he's ok with sharing it but his friends told him it was a bad idea and he should make a clean break. Or he would keep the house here to which I replied "and the kids?" He said he would never take the kids away from me, so I said oh so we would go live in some crappy apartment to which he replied exactly, I wouldn't do that to my girls. Obviously there was much more than that but the details don't really matter too much.

I have less than a week until I'm out of here and will be gone this weekend to a tournament with D13. Time to refresh.

"H - You have obviously thought about this. I totally agree that our marriage is completely unsatisfying. This decision to divorce rather than work on ourselves and our marriage is not a course of action that I condone or agree with. It will come at the expense of our family, everything we know and the relationships we have with our children. However, I don't want to continue to live without a partner. As divorce decisions are purely unilateral in nature, I ask is there anything you believe we could do to work on ourselves and our marriage?"

I think I am going to take your advice about this Mahhhty, but I am going to tweak it just a little and send it in email. I'll put it up here before I send it, going to wait a couple of weeks tho so I can clear my head first, re-read DR and try to start with a beginners mind. I wish he could..

Any advice, words of wisdom please share...

[lost18]

I did tell him that I don't want to be bitter and resentful toward him but I am feeling that way, not because he wants a divorce but because of the way he has handled/is handling it.

I also said it would be easier for me if he did go back to Afghanistan because we live in a small town and I'm not ready to see him out with somebody else. (I know that is selfish) He said he wouldn't have a problem seeing me out with someone....

I asked him if his mom knew, he said he told her "last year" and she wasn't surprised, saw it coming for years. I responded that it pissed me off that people think divorce is ok, that it's the answer....

[RAI]

Your H told you a lot, but did he tell you anything you did not know or feel in your heart already? Did it make you feel better to hear it? I am going to guess the answer was "no" on both parts.

Losty, why are you putting yourself through this torture? It makes you feel worse and does not advance your interests in the least. Do you want to look back at yourself in 20 years and see how miserable you looked? Do you need to place blame on your H for making you miserable? Or do you want to start detaching and enjoying your life - even in the current mess that it seems to be in - and have fond memories of how strong you became, how you rose to the challenge, despite what your H is doing. Don't give your H the power to make you miserable. Those R talks never satisfy us the way we hope they will because our Ss simply do not feel the way we do.

We all break the DB rules - I found myself going through the trash the other day - literally (and I consider this less snooping - pathetic, I know). But in having the R talks, you gave your H much more info about you than he needs or can handle right now. Unattractive info, to boot. I promise, I am not judging you. I just feel bad, because it does not help your sitch. You told him you do not believe D is the right thing. Now leave it alone. The more you tell him that (and I swear I told my W the same thing too many times) the more you will sound pursuing, clingy, and controlling. I hope you are not upset at me for saying all this.

Please stop by the 5K running thread. You need to get out of your funk.

I know Mahhhty has been a good friend to you and has counseled you well, thus far. Mahhhty, am I off the mark here? Your guidance would be appreciated.

RAI

[mahhhty]

I just read about Squiggy and I was super excited to see your post. Unfortunately, it wasn't what I was hoping to read about. Sorry girl.

To RAI's point I think when people like us (LBH S) go into relationship we are emotionally fueled and often clingy, we take own too much blame, and we don't implement the correct behavior to improve our chances. From that perspective your post did align with some of those behaviors.

However, honestly I think you needed to do something. I don't think it was the best interaction, but I don't think it was the worst either.

But in regards to this "If I were to say I'm sorry let's reconcile what would you say?" I said it's not that easy. He said yes or no, I said yes. I just don't thinks he sees any possibility for him to "be in love" with me again." I wouldn't fight your stance of what you believe. But I wouldn't openly admit it either. You need to VALIDATE him and suggest the idea that it is possible. Do not plead, beg, etc.

As for the email to him... I suggest writing it down on paper for him to find. Also, use this quote somewhere.... You could state how you both have neglected your relationship and that you believe the "Grass is not greener on the other side, it is greener where it is watered"