my wife will openly leave the house dressed up to impress other men. She will leave with only a cursory explanation of when she intends to return (for the kids).
she has said that while we are separated and our marriage is uncertain, she feels the right to seek company elsewhere. she has said that while we are separated and our marriage is uncertain, she feels the right to seek company elsewhere.
Why can't you play that game? I don't mean you have to get out and womanize or anything, but take some lessons from what she's doing. Why play like a victim when she's rubbing it in your face! If she has no more respect for the M, you, her kids, or anything else (and apparently she doesn't), why are you tolerating her behavior as though you have no other choices. Do you think she is just going to suddenly see her poor H and kids sitting home alone and acting pitifully.....and the guilt will change her mind? Trust me, it has very little attraction power, and she has almost zero guilt.
If she leaves you, without notice to get a sitter, then have something exciting going on while she's walking out the door. Who cares! Who notices she's leaving? Not you or the kids, b/c you all are playing, having fun, expecting friends over, etc. No long, sad faces on you!
If she gets home at a decent hour (doubtful) you can be dressed up and leave as soon as she drives up. No explanation....just leave. If she gets home too late, have all the lights out and the doors locked. No porch light or candle burning in the window, for her. You are fast asleep in your bed (as far as she knows, anyway).
No questions the next day. Act upbeat and happy, as if you know something she doesn't know. Mysterious!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Can you keep your posts to one single running thread? It helps for everyone to keep track.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
my wife will openly leave the house dressed up to impress other men. She will leave with only a cursory explanation of when she intends to return (for the kids).
she has said that while we are separated and our marriage is uncertain, she feels the right to seek company elsewhere. she has said that while we are separated and our marriage is uncertain, she feels the right to seek company elsewhere.
Why can't you play that game? I don't mean you have to get out and womanize or anything, but take some lessons from what she's doing. Why play like a victim when she's rubbing it in your face! If she has no more respect for the M, you, her kids, or anything else (and apparently she doesn't), why are you tolerating her behavior as though you have no other choices. Do you think she is just going to suddenly see her poor H and kids sitting home alone and acting pitifully.....and the guilt will change her mind? Trust me, it has very little attraction power, and she has almost zero guilt.
If she leaves you, without notice to get a sitter, then have something exciting going on while she's walking out the door. Who cares! Who notices she's leaving? Not you or the kids, b/c you all are playing, having fun, expecting friends over, etc. No long, sad faces on you!
If she gets home at a decent hour (doubtful) you can be dressed up and leave as soon as she drives up. No explanation....just leave. If she gets home too late, have all the lights out and the doors locked. No porch light or candle burning in the window, for her. You are fast asleep in your bed (as far as she knows, anyway).
No questions the next day. Act upbeat and happy, as if you know something she doesn't know. Mysterious!
This. For sure knowing her this will work to some extent. I hope it never comes to this but based on what she is saying to me I think it's on the horizon.
All those thing are great. What I am looking for as well though, is some strategy to employ internally to combat the pain that I will have to endure behind that happy carefree exterior. I don't want to show it! I want to minimize it.
Me: 39 W: 38 T-18yrs M-13yrs 2 Girls: 10 & 3 EA BD 5/24/15 Separate Bedrooms 6/12/15 PA BD 7/3/15 Separate Residence 8/8/15
Look up 'tapping' on the web. It's goofy but whether a placebo or not, I did find some help in it. "Despite the hurt I feel over my WAW's actions, I deeply love and accept myself" might be a mantra.
Just remind yourself, that her actions have nothing to do with you - and not in a feel sorry kind of way, either! Visualize the total separation of you both. Tell yourself that right now, her business is none of yours. She has a right to live her life the way she wants to.
These are what I call mental hygiene thoughts!
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
"What are some strategies to keep from driving yourself insane while you work to fully detach? Ideas, tips, please!?"
The first strategy is to actually do something to detach rather than talking about it, which you seem to constantly do. All it seems to do is make you paranoid.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
"What are some strategies to keep from driving yourself insane while you work to fully detach? Ideas, tips, please!?"
The first strategy is to actually do something to detach rather than talking about it, which you seem to constantly do. All it seems to do is make you paranoid.
I've been here 2 weeks man. Believe it or not I have made progress. I'll get there.
Me: 39 W: 38 T-18yrs M-13yrs 2 Girls: 10 & 3 EA BD 5/24/15 Separate Bedrooms 6/12/15 PA BD 7/3/15 Separate Residence 8/8/15
Look up 'tapping' on the web. It's goofy but whether a placebo or not, I did find some help in it. "Despite the hurt I feel over my WAW's actions, I deeply love and accept myself" might be a mantra.
Just remind yourself, that her actions have nothing to do with you - and not in a feel sorry kind of way, either! Visualize the total separation of you both. Tell yourself that right now, her business is none of yours. She has a right to live her life the way she wants to.
These are what I call mental hygiene thoughts!
Thanks for your constructive response! I will look into & try this.
Me: 39 W: 38 T-18yrs M-13yrs 2 Girls: 10 & 3 EA BD 5/24/15 Separate Bedrooms 6/12/15 PA BD 7/3/15 Separate Residence 8/8/15
"What are some strategies to keep from driving yourself insane while you work to fully detach? Ideas, tips, please!?"
The first strategy is to actually do something to detach rather than talking about it, which you seem to constantly do. All it seems to do is make you paranoid.
I've been here 2 weeks man. Believe it or not I have made progress. I'll get there.
Good. Two weeks is nothing. Be patient in your affliction.
Keep it up. Do well. Do what is right, no matter what.
I look forward to seeing you progress.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
