Wow, lots of food for thought. Thank you both CaliGuy and sandi2. I have been reading the posts and stickies and will continue to do so.
Boundaries are a neccesity, but how to get there.
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Your W will NEVER fall in love with you as long as she has the OM. She may tolerate you, may even have sex with you.....but she's not going to feel romantic/sexual attraction for both of you at the same time.
I understand this and agree with it. I fully feel like it is an addiction she is under. I can make changes in myself and I feel like I have, but I realize that she is the one who will need to make the choice that she needs to end it and "get help". How does this happen when she is under the fog of the affair and getting her fix?
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You won't be able to reason with her. The WW is not logical (just listen to some of the explanations she gives) so, you are wasting your breath trying to get her to see things rationally.
The WW operates strictly from emotions. Her emotions will override everything else. Her moral standards, her spiritual values/beliefs, her family ties, her reputation, etc.
Her emotions are overriding everything. At what point does that emotional shift happen? Does she have to start to see the loss of things (other than me) to get her to jolt out of the fog?
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I worry about detaching too much
I think every newcomer LBH says this. It is b/c you don't fully understand DBing detachment. Read the link Cadet gave you about it. It's an attitude. A way of thinking.
I've re-read this and feel like I understand it a bit better. It's not about detaching from her in the sense of us (i.e. cold shoulder). It's more about detaching myself from the situation so I don't lose my mind. Beyond that there is many more aspects from that thread. My fear comes from making sure I'm doing a proper detachment while not giving so much space as to let the initial relationship problems come back.
I had been working 14-16 hour days for the last few months (getting home at 10-11pm, etc.), and a big problem has been that I haven't been around. I 180'd by changing my work schedule so I could get out at 6 or 7pm more often than not and be around for the family and for my wife. She mentioned how surprised she was by my change and my consistency. She thought I'd have done it for 2 weeks and things would have gone back to the way they were, but they haven't. I feel this has been a positive step forward. I suppose detaching and GAL could entail me doing some activity at home alone - working out or a bike ride, or something. Am I on the right track?
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Staying away from OM is absolutely necessary. However, if they stay in touch by phone, email, etc., it won't help much for her to leave the job. Affairs, unfortunately, knows no distance.
Agreed, but I think losing the flare of seeing him at work every day will absolutely help. But maybe it's just wishful thinking.
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She is appeasing him by sending sexy pictures, but sooner or later, he will push for much more.
Agreed again. She told him she may be leaving her job. He told her he loved her. He's fully investing in trying to keep things going - but why wouldn't he when he has easy access to a little fun.
He currently lives with his ex-wife and 2 kids. She says it's because he couldn't bare to be away from the kids. I've heard that it's because he couldn't afford alimony/child support and this was an easier solution. She doesn't want his family to find out because of the kids and doesn't want another family to be ruined because of this. Ironic.
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She sees no future with him. That means she sees him as a security risk. You are her security, he is her thrill. She wants both, and gets both. Part from you, and part from him. Pretty standard stuff for a WW, which we call cake eating.
...and right now I'm the baker.
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OM is her lover, while you are her BFF. Maybe you should consider leaving the friend zone, while she's being unfaithful. When she decides to commit to the M, you can resume being her friend again.
Again my fears come from a major cause of the situation occurring because I hadn't been a good friend/husband for the last few months. I'm trying to show by actions why I should be Plan A instead of Plan B. I feel like it's important for us to do things and enjoy each other again, when we haven't for a while. But maybe this is the wrong tact...
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So that's your game plan? To wait and see if she decides to end it? What if she doesn't.....then what? What if things get much worse (and they definitely can)......then what?
No, you can't force her to do much of anything. Does that place her in the driver's seat of your M? If you think it does......then you have a big problem. Hope you will rethink it and decide to learn how to drive.
That is the question, isn't it? How do I get back the respect? I suppose it's about building in boundaries. So, what do I do.
I think I should talk with her about no communication while she's at home and with the family. I can't control what she does at work, but while she's at home, there has to be a no contact policy. I don't want it to be an ultimatum, but it has to be something that is respected. She has to have that respect for me, for our kids, for the family.
She'll probably say, "she'll try" - but I should "Act as If".
