Oh my gosh, Cali. First, Happy Father's Day! You are such a great one and your son is a lucky boy to have you by is side... showing him the way. AND!!!! Wow... sounds like things went well over the weekend. Yeah... I'm watching ya, bud. You can run, but you can't hide! So cool. No matter what, I am sure you got some sort of validation. You know you are the man. I don't mean that in a silly way... but always #1. That's pretty refreshing, despite the turmoil it comes from.

Anyway.. something... something about your post. I feel a deep understanding and I appreciate it very much. It welled up some tears. Not harsh, Cali. Not at all. I mean, c'mon... you know I'm tougher than that! I've always had pretty thick skin. I'm kind of a mushy, vulnerable mess these days... but I can handle THAT!

Honestly, I think you are right. I am stuck in a sense. I don't think totally. You have got me thinking, I have to admit. What exactly is it about me? What's my deal in this that I let it continue to beat me up? I am not totally sure, yet. I think the shock, for one. I just can't believe how things have played out. I can't believe that he is gone. That he has another family. That I am an enemy to his family. But, I guess that is only part of it. What about it that has to do with me that I can't get over that hump yet. (Notice... I said YET! I have no intention on living her. But, it is quite difficult to see really coming to grips with this.)

See... it's like a double-edged sword... my brain is a yo-yo!

I'm cool... I get that its this whole thing I can't control; it's not about me; I need to move on(<<<<<That's my brain)... then... WTF IS HAPPENING???!! (<<<< That's my brain on LBS mode)

Any questions? ("Yes," says Mighty to Mighty.... "What is wrong with you, girl? You ain't right")

Ok. So, seriously, Cali... you are right about different sitches.. same.. can I say.. nonsense? We have a similar timeline.. some commonalities with the way things play out. I just feel like a bit of a, well, for lack of a better word, failure. I want to say, I know xh had a lot of work to do and didn't.

But we DB, we work really hard to do the right thing. I feel like I had an opportunity.. I worked hard, DB'ed my tail off... then had, in the grasp of my hands, an opportunity. And blew it.

I know, intellectually, that there is way more to it. That... well... there were other components. But... to have it at the grasp of your fingers.. and lose it... again.

Well. I'm OK. I will be. (Just typing this, it took a momentary sabbatical and chilled w/ s18). Things, overall are good. I am happy. I am really and truly looking forward to things, for the first time in my life, being on my terms.

That's pretty cool.

And I'm learning what those terms are.

Side note...

Having to deal with married friend again. So upset with him. Don't even consider him a friend anymore. After letting him know my place last time, months ago, things were cool. He stayed away for a couple of months. Then, it seemed OK. We were friends and I let it go. Now, he pulled the same crap, but it was worse. Maybe I will explain later. Not happy about it. I will cut him off permanently tomorrow. I would have today, but there wasn't an opportunity. If there isn't tomorrow, I will send a text. I am not happy with the sitch.

Oh, btw... today when I got home, I was out front doing yard work for awhile. When I came in, I am pretty sure... quite sure.. I saw xh drive by. WTH? He has to go out of his way. This is strictly a residential area. No route to anywhere but a house here.