Abuse

[Zelda09]

On the subject of Change (Abuser)


Keep in mind, even if they truly wish to change, this is dangerous if they haven't developed the TOOLS to be able to follow through during their next raging moment.

Steps to Change

1. Admit fully to his/her history of emotional, verbal, psychological, sexual and physical abusiveness. Denial and minimizing need to stop, including discrediting your memory of what happened.

2. Acknowledge that the abuse was wrong, unconditionally. (S)He needs to identify the justifications (s)he used, including the ways (s)he blamed you, and talk in detail about why his/her behaviors were unacceptable, without defending them.

3. Acknowledge that his/her behavior was a choice, not a loss of control.

4. Recognize the effects his/her abuse has had on you and on your family, and show empathy for those. (S)He needs to talk IN DETAIL about the impact that the abuse has had, including fear, loss of trust, anger, etc. And (s)he needs to do this without feeling sorry for him/herself or talking about how hard the experience has been for her/him.

5. Identify in detail his/her pattern of controlling behaviors and entitled attitudes. (S)He needs to speak in detail about the day-to-day tactics of abuse (S)he has used, identify the underlying beliefs and values that drove those behaviors, such as considering him/herself entitled to constant attention.

6. Develop respectful behaviors and attitudes to replace the abusive ones (s)he is stopping.

7. Reevaluate his/her distorted image of you, replacing it with a more positive and empathic view. (S)He has to recognize that (s)he has focused on and exaggerated his/her grievances against you. (S)He needs to compliment you and pay attention to your strengths and abilities.

8. Make amends for the damage (s)he has done. (S)He has to have a sense that (s)he has a debt to you. (S)He can start payment by being consistently kind and supportive, putting his/her own needs on the back burner for a couple of years, fixing what (s)he has damaged, and cleaning up the emotional and literal messes (s)he has caused.

9. Accept the consequences of his/her actions. (S)He should stop blaming you for problems that are the result of his/her abuse.

10. Commit to not repeating his/her abusive behaviors. (S)He should not place any conditions on improvement – such as saying (s)he won’t call you names as long as you don’t raise your voice.

11. Accept the need to give up his/her privileges and do so. Stop double standards, stop flirting with others, stop taking off with friends while you take care of the children. (S)He also is not the only one allowed to express anger.

12. Accept that overcoming abusiveness is likely to be a life-long process. (S)He cannot claim that his/her work is done by saying, “I’ve changed, but you haven’t.” or complain that (s)he is sick of hearing about the abuse.

13. Be willing to be accountable for his/her actions, both past and future. (S)He must accept feedback and criticism and be answerable for what he does and how it affects you and the children.

(S)He Has Not Changed If . ..

(S)He blames partner or others for her/his behavior.

(S)He uses guilt to manipulate the partner into dropping charges or keeping silent.

(S)He does not faithfully attend her/his treatment program.

(S)He pressures the partner to let her/him move back in before partner is ready.

(S)He will not admit (s)he was abusive.

(S)He convinces others that it is the partner who is either abusive or crazy.

(S)He demands to know where partner is and whom (s)he is with.

(S)He uses partner’s behavior as an excuse to treat the partner badly.

(S)He continues to use sarcasm or verbal abuse, talk over his/her partner, and shows disrespect or superiority.

(S)He does not respond well to complaints or criticism of her/his behavior when (s)he slips back into abusive behavior.

(S)He continues to undermine partner’s authority as a parent, and partner’s credibility as a person.

Her/His mindset about women/men has not changed, even though (s)he avoids being abusive.

(S)He criticizes partner for not realizing how much he has changed.

“Completion of a batterer’s intervention program class by a man does not mean his victim is safe or that he has stopped being abusive. While men may learn tools for acting nonviolently, research indicates that many men continue to be abusive, even if they change their tactics.” —Embracing Justice: A Resource Guide for Rabbis on Domestic Violence

If you go back too soon, the abuse will be worse and leaving again will be harder.