TLEE, I would be a fool to ever, ever consider someone who did what he did...without remorse, and that creepy smile the next day. Someone who lied to me about having met others/slept with others while he was away - to get in my pants when he came home and pretended to work on our M so he had a roof over his head and could sabotage and leave when his money came in. Someone who pretended he couldn't drive so he could use me, our friends. He is still not taking any responsibility. The accident made him be awful! He is still life's victim. If I know one thing about both the abusers in my life, lack of responsibility and victimhood is their common thread.
If he were to show up on my doorstep tomorrow begging forgiveness, promising change, I would first need an insane asylum. For myself. Of course I want that but I can't have it. It would tear me to pieces. I made sure to tell my family and closest friends what has been really going on for years so they could shake me if I tried it.
Second, I would tell him that we need a divorce first. And he is welcome to get his life together and we can talk about dating after we see what he's made of himself and all the independence he said he wanted. But he would have to sing a different tune than he's been singing for almost 40 years to be what I truly wish to attract in my life.
I want to be with an adult who will walk beside me and communicate fairly, has the tools to do that without a lot of manipulation, twisting and dodging. I want to be with someone who will help me build a life, not just let me pull them along and destroy in periodic tantrums.
Of course I love him, TLEE. Love isn't the answer to all though.
You're perceptive, I have all these rotten conflicting emotions. But this time my head will rule!
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
